Library Pariah

AUL's Death Liberates Library

2008-02-16T02:17:00.006-06:00

One nefarious strain of Teutonic and Slavic bloodlines commingled following World War II, which by 1977 had launched the career of the mouth-breathing Überadministrator who would de facto rule Pinchcock University Library for three decades, has mercifully reached its biotic expiration, as Bertha Hammhoxx, Associate University Librarian for God-knows-what, passed away stubbornly but intestate Tuesday morning at her home in the Hoosier state.

Described by subordinates alternately as a hidebound obscurant who worked tirelessly to foster institutional obstipation and as a micromeddling, sausagey-fingered pen-clicker with the personality of a wooden saddle, Hammhoxx had been blamed by staff for single-handedly depriving Pinchcock of a functional organizational culture and the technology that now defines the modern academic library. “After the botched bum’s rush to remove her from office in ’87, that God-fleering woman began sowing the seeds of our current bureaucratic bramble without any regard for the library as a whole,” recalled Emeritus Curator of Indiana-ana Gavin Cromarty.

Apart from generally throwing her managerial flab around, Hammhoxx’s career was highlighted by interfering in low-level personnel decisions, declawing librarians of any professional acumen they possessed on arrival at Pinchcock, riding shotgun with underlings whenever undeserved credit was in sight, and—her crowning achievement—creating committees galore, which so mired the staff in endless meetings that progress on any front became impossible. Maxine Lowtower, Pinchcock’s Coördinator of Institutional Incompetence and long-time friend of Hammhoxx, was particularly shaken by the news and dreaded the library’s prospect of filling some sizable shoes.

A campus psychological profile leaked to this LP reporter indicated Hammhoxx had long ago been diagnosed with three kinds of neurosis and concluded that her character combined the worst possible traits for an administrator to possess. When confronted with the suggestion that his lieutenant rightly should have been relieved of her duties years ago, however, University Librarian Willis Litefelt deftly parried the idea, noting how well Hammhoxx had insulated him from the trifling minutiae of running a library. “I couldn’t have asked for more from my hatchet-man in administration: ruthlessly territorial; champion of rabid mediocrity; and proud owner of an uncarbonated intellect that posed no threat to my…well, let’s just say she was too visceral to be cerebral,” he waxed sentimental.

Bertha W. Hammhoxx: requiescat in pace.

Librarian Even Ganglier in High Def

2008-01-03T01:59:00.000-06:00

At Laffingstock University in downstate Oregon, greenhorn tenure-track librarians regularly find themselves in the cross-hairs of peril, as Frenchie Stevenson, gender studies librarian of indeterminate gender, learned last month when senior colleagues deflected attention away from their own lack of community outreach by volunteering the newbie to appear on local public TV for pledge drive service. “It may seem like we threw Frenchie under the bus,” elucidated senior linguistics librarian Kevin Finestra, “but it would be fairer to say we threw hume in the deep end of the pool, where at least hu had a chance to tread water.”

Far from merely treading water, Stevenson helped KPUT raise record pledge donations during huse stint on the small screen through what station manager Bernie Zatarain characterized as mature insights on the value of public television, linking the benefits KPUT offers the community to those of a public institution of higher learning such as Laffingstock. “It was crucial for this pledge drive to go well in order for us to pay for KPUT’s recent capital investment in HD broadcasting; thanks to Frenchie’s efforts our financial picture looks a lot rosier now,” noted Zatarain contentedly.

But soon after the drive a ghastly revelation by station intern and part-time library student assistant Matthew O’Grady swiftly infected the Laffingstock library grapevine and completely punctured Stevenson’s community service triumph. According to O’Grady, phone bank volunteers were overheard to remark that the record pledges KPUT took in were the result of lost bets on Stevenson’s gender, not any real desire to do right by the station. “I heard phone bankers quoting callers throughout the day. When told Frenchie’s true identity, one said he’d seen ‘better curves on a Venn diagram’ before giving his credit card information and angrily hanging up the phone; another compared huse looks to a defective computer age-progression program,” he explained.

A skeptical Zatarain was ultimately forced to come to terms with the reality of this unfortunate episode, but nevertheless balked at calls for Stevenson to receive financial recompense as a gesture of goodwill. In a follow-up phone interview he concluded, “How ironic that this move to HD broadcasting gave the station its first true-to-life picture of our viewers and some of their repugnant prejudices.”

Librarian’s Res Gestae Scanned into Irrelevance

2007-11-23T12:33:00.000-06:00

The final piece of a periodicals jigsaw puzzle 41 years in the making was put into place earlier this week as colleagues at Apple Ridge University (ARU) surprised retiring serials librarian Anne T. Herstamine with sundry gift-wrapped journal issues accompanied by a signed card, thus filling in the remaining gaps she inherited when she began the job as a young hippie fresh out of library school. “Crossing off the last few titles on the D-List means I can retire content in the knowledge that I’ve achieved my career goal of making ARU the only institution in this time zone with complete runs of all 1,100 journals on the list,” blubbed Herstamine at her farewell cake and punch nosh.

Herstamine’s infamous “D(esiderata) List” became legendary at Apple Ridge as much for its scope as the sometimes unorthodox ways she whittled it down over the years, in some cases entailing cumbersome exchanges, long drives to pick up materials and, more recently, fighting for issues in on-line auctions. “Anne’s long-standing service to ARU has been distinguished by thoughtful attention to detail, supreme tenacity, and the enduring scent of buckram; we thought getting these last few issues for her would be a fitting send-off,” toasted splay-footed library director Dexter Luce-Bawls at her reception.

But the day before Herstamine’s departure, mega journal archive JSTOW unveiled a stunning new addition to its “Lazy Undergraduate” suite, comprising complete full-text runs—sans moving wall—of all 1,100 journals Herstamine had so meticulously amassed in print plus an added 900 boutique journals across the social sciences and humanities for graduate student poseurs. The announcement of the “2K4$20K” package reportedly sent ARU bibliographers and periodicals check-in clerks into a do-se-do as a barrage of forwarded e-mails choked library in-boxes throughout the building. “Even with their higher than usual access fee, JSTOW’s package will save us tons of money on serials expenditures and processing, freeing up needed cash for our emaciated book budget,” noted relieved head of collection development Ronnette Pilturnin.

Herstamine’s gallant efforts to forestall her print journal collection’s passing into fossilized library curiosa all went for naught, however, as she was forcibly removed from the compact shelving to which she had chained herself on her last day. Three months later Luce-Bawls arranged for the wholesale removal of that shelving and its contents from the library to make way for his faddish dream of “wide open collaborative study spaces for today’s users, where yesterday’s restrictions and prohibitions would be irrelevant in the absence of three-dimensional content,” according to a campus bulletin.

ARU librarians are now nervously holding their collective breath awaiting the next pillar of the profession to go the way of the dodo, the ’60s, and Herstamine herself.

The Annoyed Librarian Revealed: An LP Exclusive!

2007-11-12T23:10:00.000-06:00

In a revelation sure to rock the library world, former ALA president and current dean at Fresno State Michael Gorman has been unmasked as the hotly sought Annoyed Librarian. Even more shocking: he unmasked himself. "I was tired of all the speculation," Gorman said, "not least because some of the people under suspicion are simply too nice to be the Annoyed Librarian. I want my awesomeness to be known, and I want credit for it, as with everything else I have ever done."

In the letter he sent to LP, Gorman pointed out that only someone filled with such venom toward new technologies could sustain the curmudgeonliness necessary to craft those long, technophobic posts for which AL is known. "I was already bitter and angry when people like Farkas and Stephens were in diapers," he wrote. When asked later how he got the idea, he pointed out that given his anti-blogging screed in Library Journal, it should seem obvious that the irony in using a blog as a platform for his views was simply too rich to miss.

Gorman was once offended at being called an idiot by a blogger. How fun it is instead to know that he himself is a blogger, which is surely worse than being an idiot.

Lowly Librarian Says No to Faculty

2007-10-21T16:40:00.000-05:00

Bucking widespread practice in the academic library profession, Mildred Ruckgrat recently did something positively seditious: she said no. That would seem to be a normal part of one's everyday work life in most professions, not least in academia, where resources are limited. But as anyone even passingly familiar with academic librarians knows, it is an exceedingly rare occurrence of naysaying.

"I had simply had it with years of bludgeoning and haranguing," noted Ms. Ruckgrat, explaining how faculty members seemed to find great sport in sending her commands--to order books, not to cancel even the most underused and marginal journal, to do their research for them--laced with a cynical and patronizing tone. "We call ourselves a profession, but if you always have to say 'yes, sir' or 'yes, ma'am' to anyone, even the most deluded faculty," she continued, "what's the point? We could be replaced by high school graduates." She pointed out that most subject librarians--she's the Social Sciences Librarian at Northsouth Central University--have at least two graduate degrees and that the national average is nine years of professional library experience.

Despite that, even a newly washed assistant professor's word carries more weight with her library's administrators. NCU's dean of libraries, Wanda Lackey, has repeatedly overruled Ruckgrat's attempts to trim her budget by paring unused journals, citing communication from faculty members as the reason. One professor wrote a stinging rebuke when Ruckgrat attempted to cancel The Journal of Ononastic Research, even though she could show that it had not been used at all in nearly ten years. "He told Dean Lackey that masturbation was the next great field for discovery and teaching, and that any librarian who would cancel it must be a prude," mused Ms. Ruckgrat, pointing out that she wrote her dissertation on the development and use of bondage gear. "I know sex," she says.

So what request did Ms. Ruckgrat reject? She had been asked, two days before the semester, to acquire a number of "essential" books for a course that had been added to the curriculum ten months previous. "I simply couldn't justify the expense of purchasing such marginal titles without more time to review the budget and consider other competing requests." Besides, she added, it was also a question of someone's lack of planning not being her problem. "All I said to the faculty member was that I expect to be treated as something more than a secretary or clerk," Ms. Ruckgrat sighed. "You would think after my years of service and with my publication record, one would not need to assert this, but here I am." When asked if she expects to be overruled by her dean, she simply groans.

Library Development Office Raises Eyebrows

2007-10-17T02:14:00.000-05:00

In a familiar turn of events, Highsmith University Library has become the butt of jokes of late for another half-baked fundraising idea demonstrating just how clueless that campus entity remains. In a vain attempt to attract new memberships from alumni and community groups and augment existing levels of support, Highsmith’s novice director of development and confirmed perkaholic Geraldine Galimony introduced a new category of sponsorship known as “Friends with Benefits,” which, according to the latest Friends of Highsmith University Library Newsletter, conferred enhanced borrowing privileges, the availability of interlibrary loan services for the first time, personalized invitations to special events hosted by the Friends, and an impressive discount coupon book.

However, library staff were appalled that not a single person either in the development office or Friends group grasped the double entendre of the phrase as used in modern American parlance. “What I want to know is how the idea got clearance from library administration. I mean, this is more embarrassing than when Development tried to capitalize on the popularity of BET’s Redd Foxx retrospective by underwriting the publication of Sanford and Son for Dummies,” noted nursing librarian Sarah Smokepole tartly.

Worse still, a number of Highsmith undergraduate males who should have known better actually purchased memberships believing guilt-free sex would be theirs for the taking. “I joined the Friends thinking the library was gonna hook me up with some hotties; instead all I got was a welcome packet from this old chick who smelled like the antique store downtown,” confessed a dejected sophomore who wished to remain anonymous.

Having penetrated the upper reaches of library administration, the embarrassing news ultimately prompted university librarian Patty D. Foie-Gras to admit she had removed Galimony’s training wheels a bit too soon and that further schooling in the fine art of fundraising was indeed in order.

Systems Librarian Reinvents Wheel

2007-09-18T02:00:00.001-05:00

Amidst a scene charged with palpable anticipation, librarians and paraprofessional staff at Beckwith University gathered yesterday to witness an epic unveiling not seen since the release of patent leather Hush Puppies. “All I know is that Benny [Blakeford, head systems librarian] has been working in almost total isolation on this ‘big project’ for the past few years and was even excused from committee obligations to focus all his time on it,” whispered Latin American studies librarian Pamela Montoya to this LP reporter as the lights in the auditorium dimmed.

Following a brief introduction by library director Donald Fudge, Blakeford launched the Internet browser on his laptop, which projected prominently onto a large screen, and began solemnly, “Three years ago my promise to Donald and you all was the development of a new Web-based tool that would revolutionize the efficiency of information retrieval by interconnecting all library resources, from our subscription databases and the OPAC to a range of e-collections, through sophisticated linking software that enables simultaneous searching across resource types. Despite some setbacks, the time has come to unveil my creation, which I call ‘Tarot.’”

Genuinely confused by the ensuing scowls and insults leveled at him, Blakeford asked why the fruits of his labor were meeting with such disapproval. “You retard, OpenURL resolvers have been around for years! Ever hear of SFX??” blared engineering librarian Justin Wee from the fourth row. As pages of Web sites were brought up on screen to demonstrate Wee’s point, even Fudge began to melt at the thought of the salary wasted on this boondoggle when the library could have had a high-end product out of the box for a fraction of the cost three years ago.

Scattered grumbles among library staff soon turned to murderous glances and muttered oaths for yet another grossly expensive failure by the systems department. In fear for his safety, Blakeford bolted from the room for the velvet refuge of his department only to have his key break in the lock while hastily trying to open the door. With livid library staff now in hot pursuit and himself in imminent danger of death by a thousand catalog card cuts, Blakeford extracted from the cap of his flash drive the single tiny white pellet all IT pros keep handy, ingested the cyanide, and swiftly dropped dead in a tragically perverse Pac-Man-like seppuku.

The pallor of mourning over Blakeford’s suicide, however, hasn’t prevented certain librarians within the Beckwith community from questioning whose shoulders must bear the ultimate burden of responsibility. Noted one, “It seems like every time Systems has another bright idea for a project, Fudge blithely dumps a bucket of money in their laps; then by the time it’s finished—always over budget—it’s obsolete and ends up costing us three times as much as a superior commercial product released in the meantime. Do you blame the beast or the one who feeds the beast?”

Stallions into Geldings @ your library™

2007-08-13T13:46:00.001-05:00

As part of a plea bargain to avoid serious jail time, last month recent library-school-graduate-turned-gangbanger Fernando “Buchu” Barrientos was placed in the library at Rainwater University for a two-year stint as diversity fellow under a program sponsored by the Library Association of North America (LANA). Institutions around the country have for some time participated in such fellowship programs to further exploit the cheap labor of underrepresented groups, according to LANA insiders, but this pilot effort with a juridical minority is a first to this LP reporter’s knowledge. “This mutually beneficial arrangement will give Fernando a chance at redemption and entrée into the world of librarianship, while the library will gain the services of a novice professional with no impact to its personnel budget,” professed Rainwater’s library director Martin Malthus.

But just three weeks into Barrientos’ tenure on the job, female co-workers succeeded in sapping every ounce of masculinity out of this card-carrying carpet muncher, who now exhibits all tell-tale signs of the effete male librarian. “The first time we invited Fernando to help us with our annual bake sale he said he would ‘rather rush a gay fraternity backwards’ than cavort with doddering housewives,” recalled copy cataloger Mindy Orkin in recoil. But like a fine Stilton cheese, Barrientos gradually mellowed to the importunities of his horridly dressed harridan colleagues, going so far as to join the library’s knitting club sheepishly and without protest just last week.

Barrientos’ anemic male colleagues maintained it was only a matter of time before Rainwater’s engorged sun dresses would leach the spunk out of this erstwhile vagitarian. “It happens to all new guys. The more vehemently they protest their fate, the more inexorably raw sirloin withers into corduroyed pemmican right before your eyes,” noted reference librarian and total butt-boy Lance Mowbray. One of Barrientos’ butch comrades, Mo Hirsute, shares his plight and attributes their common impotence to the overwhelmingly feminizing influence pervasive in academic libraries and the ruthless squelching of masculinity at the first whiff of after shave.

The library’s unwitting success in unmanning Barrientos has suddenly drawn national attention from human resources, law enforcement, and military officials, sending Rainwater’s development office scrambling to patent the staffing formula and market a series of pricey fundraising seminars designed to tame feral testosterone in the American workplace and its concomitant liabilities.

Room Service Virgins Whore It up at Maiden Library Conference

2007-07-26T10:29:00.006-05:00

In a tony ceremony at the closing session of the Library Association of America’s (LANA) annual conference in Washington, D.C., incoming LANA president Eugenia Baker announced the recipient of the “Roomy” award, given annually to the most indulgent foray into the world of hotel in-room dining by a first-time conference-goer. “We must have stared at the room service button for five minutes before mustering up the courage to pick up the phone and press it that first time,” noted this year’s joint winners, Philip and Natasha Roxoff, at their acceptance speech. During the conference the twenty-something newlywed tandem from Laffingstock University in downstate Oregon together skipped scheduled poster sessions, scoffed at vendor demos, blew off committee meetings, and flaked on social events as they truly consummated their nuptials at the Pantheon Hotel in a gastronomic orgy worthy of Penthouse Forum.

Hotel dining staff recalled how a relatively modest first order quickly escalated into bold demands for more elaborate fare and princely personal service. “Sure, almost a third of my crew was occupied with the Roxoffs during their stay, but how could I begrudge them the huge tips they were getting to feed the couple by hand when they’ve got their own mouths to feed at home?” asked in-room dining services manager and kick-back beneficiary Brett Drupe. This accommodating tack was in marked contrast to the Roxoffs’ hotel neighbors, however, who complained of guttural noises emanating from the adjacent room caused by alternating bouts of hyperphagia and acta Veneris, as well as the “parking lot for unretrieved room service tables” their hallway came to resemble.

Asked how the couple eschewed the stale routine that too easily sets in following such a torrid initiation into excess, the two explained, “We soon developed a ritual of one person making the call while the other showered and vice-versa, then sinking into our spongy king size bed draped in complimentary terry towel bathrobes and trying to guess what the other had ordered as we smelled the arriving food outside the door.”

“The Roxoffs’ escapade has been the most compelling in the nine years I’ve served as a Roomy judge,” recounted Demetrius Schitzengiggles. “In this recently married couple you had the apple of temptation cause the spark of food to ignite the tinder of sexual desire in an explosive display of orectic liberation.” Mixed metaphors aside, Roomy judges unanimously awarded the golden dome-lidded trophy to the Beaver State duo, whose whopping room service tab was reportedly paid by the Alliance for Room Service Excellence in exchange for select promotional appearances following the conference.

Librarian Publishes Book Review, Pats Self on Back

2007-07-13T15:22:00.001-05:00

You wouldn't think that any self-respecting librarian would claim a one-paragraph review as an accomplishment worthy of mention, but that's exactly what Reginald Enghals, librarian for Altaic languages and other arcana at North Central Southern Kentucky State University, has done. Upon completing his review of a title on the impact of Facebook on the dating lives of students (My Facebook or Yours? Hooking Up at the Modern University: A Handbook and How-to Guide, Daytona, FL: Party Boy Press, 2007), which he deemed the best book ever on the subject, Enghals issued a press release to the campus.

Enghals wrote the review for Select, a notoriously useless source of book reviews that only the most desperate and backward librarians continue to use. When a colleague pointed out to Enghals that reviews in Select were not only routinely positive (hence their uselessness), but only a paragraph in length and thus perhaps unworthy of mentioning in any context, Enghals reacted by threatening to file a grievance against said colleague for defaming his professional credentials. As the argument spiralled out of control, the colleague snidely remarked that Enghals needed no assistance with wrecking his reputation, since he is clearly remarkably adept at this. Enghals failed to get the joke, of course. At last report, Enghals was sitting in his office assuaging his wounded pride by flirting with undergrads via his Facebook account.

Vendors Pit Librarians in Battle Royal for Discounted Access, Fun

2007-07-11T16:54:00.001-05:00

In an effort to bridge the digital divide, entertain the lumpen, and burnish their collective image, database vendors inaugurated a wrestling tournament at the Library Association of North America’s (LANA) annual conference in Washington, D.C., this year to bring otherwise unaffordable resources to sorely underfunded academic institutions. “While watching an episode of CSI: Chowchilla, it dawned on me that librarians should have the opportunity to put their physical skills to the test on the biggest stage of their profession for a handsome markdown on our product line,” recalled CEO and Chairman of EBSCAM Joseph Pisst after the conference. Once circulated to colleagues Pisst’s idea had no trouble garnering buy-in or perverse grins from the likes of executives at AntiQuest, Evilsevier, Last Search, Stale, and Novid.

Jaded observers initially dismissed the event as a publicity stunt that could only further humiliate an already degraded profession, but soon changed their tune as the action got underway. A total of eight crowd-pleasing matches took place over the course of the conference, each featuring twenty sensibly-shoed librarians—male and female—together in the squared circle, grappling with colleagues, engaging in fisticuffs, and heartily flinging friend and foe alike over the top rope until a single triumphant gladiator remained. “I didn’t realize I had won my bout until I looked out over the elephant cemetery of vanquished librarians around the apron of the ring and saw that I was the last one standing,” noted Barrie DeLoach of Wilburn University Library.

Certain audience members expressed revulsion at the ecstatic savagery exhibited by the combatants, harkening back to the days of Mad Dog Vachon and King Kong Brody, but these killjoys were largely silenced by countervailing arguments espousing the need for ever better content for beflip-flopped undergraduates at institutions of higher learning coast to coast.

Now that Pisst’s brainchild has caught on like wildfire, rumors are already aswirl about new endurance challenges at next year’s conference and a reality TV show reportedly in development.

Librarian Foolishly Exceeds Expectations

2007-06-01T13:16:00.001-05:00

An internal investigation was launched at Carlyle University this week into allegations that high-flying new instruction librarian Simon Cheex has been violating library policy by making Carlyle’s array of print and electronic resources intelligible to students. The inquiry was prompted by a precipitous drop in reference statistics following Cheex’s first semester on the job, arousing suspicions that he had unconscionably taught a cohort of incoming freshmen such sophisticated search techniques that an entire generation of students would be forever lost to the almighty reference tally sheet. “Yes, of course we tout information literacy and the critical consumption of information publicly, but that’s just our bedside manner,” twittered Ari O’Laughlin, Head of Reference Services. “In reality, we rely on the practice of giving students fish for a day, not teaching them to be fishermen.”

In response to this LP reporter’s suggestion that sound information literacy instruction could be the impetus for Carlyle to reconsider the moribund traditional reference desk model, the smile fell from O’Laughlin’s face like a guillotine. She then issued forth a searing apologia in defense of the sacred cow, insisting Carlyle’s reference statistics “were doing just fine until Cheex blew into town and rocked our boat,” and attacked allegations of gross staffing inefficiency at the desk.

Meanwhile, Cheex finds himself professionally pilloried awaiting his very uncertain fate for having cast an unflattering light on the inconvenient truth of outmoded library practice. “It’s unfortunate that my job performance has been interpreted as an assault on my reference colleagues,” Cheex confided, his eyes flashing. “But, frankly, I’m stunned at how our reference area is privileged like a perpetually overstaffed hotel reception desk in the face of steadily declining statistics and a growing body of scholarship demonstrating a more conducive learning environment within a research consultation setting,” he added.

Despite letters of support from instructional faculty, Cheex appears firmly lodged in the doghouse of library administration. “Simon may have stood head and shoulders above the other candidates we interviewed,” explained Dale C. Neccura, Carlyle’s Dean of Library Services, “but we didn’t bring him in to pull a Samson act on our organization a year before my retirement. If we taught every student who came through our information literacy classes to be self-sufficient information seekers, our reference department would be out of business in a hurry. It would be the thin end of the wedge.”

The status quo at reference desks in other libraries may be getting harder and harder to defend, but at Carlyle, at least, the best defense is apparently a good offense.

Evilsevier Seeks Victims

2007-05-10T15:38:00.000-05:00

According to internal documents acquired by LP in a drugs for information deal, Dutch publishing giant Evilsevier has hit upon a new way to engorge itself on the fat of the publishing land: enlisting librarians in their quest to buy out their puny competitors.

Using the innocuous-sounding name "Help Evilsevier Help You," the plan is to offer a set of tools to librarians that would permit them to submit the names of journals and publishers to Evilsevier, in essence suggesting to the journal behemoth that they should take them over. Evilsevier is developing a set of handouts and Web tools for their upcoming campaign, preying on librarians' desire to have everything spoonfed to them. For example, one flyer asks "does your journal publisher even know what an OpenURL is," then proceeds to outline how by being subsumed by Science Indirect, a journal goes through a transformation that makes it play nice with all library systems. Also available will be a Firefox browser extension that will allow one-click submission of potential victims, making the ratting out of a small publisher as easy as doing a Google search.

The Association of American Libraries, upon learning of the plan, responded through a spokesperson with unmitigated glee. "After years of Evilsevier bashing, I think we've reached a point where that hysteria has played out and we've accepted the fact that they do a great service to libraries," noted AAL spokesperson Ima Stuhlpigeon, as she sipped coffee from her Evilsevier mug. "After all, wouldn't it be so much easier if we didn't have to deal with all of these pathetic little publishers?"

What's Hot Now - Offsite Storage Positions Skyrocket

2007-05-04T14:22:00.001-05:00

You read about it first in LP! Apparently the idea for new a "feral" librarian position reported on in February 2006 ("Library Comes Clean and Advertises for Selector for Offsite Storage") has caught on like wildfire. Just one recent example of this genre appeared in the "Appointments" section of the April 2007 issue of College & Research Libraries News with the announcement that a new employee had assumed the role of Offsite Storage Project Manager at Columbia University Libraries. Hortense Grinstone, AUL for Public Services at Big State University and self-proclaimed visionary, was the first to have the stones to advertise for an offsite position. She gleefully commented on the string of such hires at major academic libraries: "I saw the potential for these positions coming a mile away...no, five miles away...my 'foresight' is very keen. Nevermind that we've gone through 14 pansy-ass Selectors for Offsite Storage in less than a year. The main thing is that we have continued to clear the dead wood out of our stacks at a brisk pace. Yee-hah! Move 'em out, Rawhide!"

A dispute has arisen, however, over who actually originated the idea for a Selector for Offsite Storage in the first place. Horace Winthrop, erstwhile Bibliographer for English Literature at Big State and currently Cataloging, Circulation, and Reference Librarian at Anthill Community College, claims to have inadvertently given Grindstone the idea during a sarcastic tirade while resigning his position at Big State. "Believe me," a horrified Winthrop told LP, "if I had known that dimwit Grindstone would actually create the position, which offends all of my principles as an academic librarian, and then egg on other institutions to do the same, I would have done more to make public the fact that it was a joke in the first place. It was meant to make her feel like the аппара́тчик [apparatchik - ed.] dolt that she is." In a wilting voice Winthrop concluded that while Stalin would have been proud, his effort to embarrass Grindstone backfired "big time."

Effective June 1, Winthrop's current duties at Anthill will be fleshed out with an additional responsibility - that of Offsite Storage Coordinator. The announcement will appear in the next issue of C&RL News.

Seven bigwigs outrank 70 staff members

2007-04-29T16:51:00.000-05:00

At Carcel University Library, a long-time paraprofessional staff member had decided to resign and to go teach English in China. His friends and colleagues were amazed, in part because he did not know Chinese. Yet scores of them--largely fellow paraprofessionals, with a fitting sprinkling of respectful professionals--assembled to honor him at a luncheon in the Alumni Club facing the Green two blocks from the central library. At the end of the meal and the presentation of farewell wishes and gifts, he choked and said he hoped to regain his composure in his presentation he would be giving in a few moments in the library’s Assembly Hall.

He and his friends walked the two blocks back to the library in the April sunshine. In the dark, cavernous room in the library, he was just starting his PowerPoint presentation about his new adventure in life, when Associate Director Shiva Rasputin poked one of her five heads through the door and tapped the shoulder of Maya Mejerovski, the fulsome head of the honoree’s department, and whispered sweet somethings into the porches of her ear. Whereupon Mejerovski promptly interrupted the presentation and informed the 70 assembled staff members that they would have to vacate the room, which was needed by the Library Director and Associate Director and a group of guests. Amid much murmuring, the departing gathering noted that the egret-like Director, Alicia Della Proxénète, and her gorgonesque underling filed in with five guests, a group that would have fit nicely in the conference area of the Director’s spacious office.

As the humiliated honoree’s disgusted colleagues filed back to their workstations, they were doubtless heartened to know that their flexible, agile leaders were receiving yet another consultant’s report confirming their superior communication skills.

Vegan Librarians Blast Carnivorocentric Report Language

2007-04-23T23:17:00.002-05:00

The long-awaited release of a report earlier this week by Beckwith University’s Committee for University Library Oversight (CULO) came as the culmination of a study requested by library director Donald Fudge and was meant to “provide the library with useful data for improving services and aligning library and campus priorities more closely.” But a trio of vegan librarians is steamed over what they have called unabashedly biased, insensitive wording, citing the report’s characterization of periodicals cancellations as “fishy,” recommendations to “beef up” humanities expenditures, and the library’s justification for initiating a digital press as “chicken shit” as just three notable examples. “The phrase ‘chicken shit’ itself has no place in the text whatsoever, but worse than that is the alarming frequency with which CULO peppered their report with language sanctioning meat and meat by-products,” stressed environmental studies librarian and inveterate vegan Kiki Randazzo, head signatory of a stern letter of protest to university president Chafing Sackitch.

After extensive investigative legwork this LP reporter learned that seven of the nine CULO members have family involved in or significant financial ties to statewide fish, game, and livestock industries, raising questions about subtle promotional messages the report language seems to convey and the attendant conflicts of interest. “Finally all the food-related metaphors, similes, and analogies I purged from early drafts of the report make sense,” remarked CULO Chair Brendan Barbary, one of the two committee members unconnected to outside interests.

Neither Fudge nor Sackitch claimed to have any knowledge of the committee’s dubious connections despite the latter’s personal selection of the entire cohort; however, a Freedom of Information Act request has brought to light a series of memoranda of understanding between executives from the aforementioned industries and university development officers—including final approval by Sackitch—providing substantial financial consideration in exchange for textual product placement in the report. “Ultimately, editorial control over the final wording rests with the president, and it was his conscious decision to replace all that ‘meaty’ phraseology I had removed in exchange for corporate mammon,” Barbary observed.

Beckwith’s faculty senate swiftly condemned Sackitch’s scheme as “a new low in administrative money-grubbing” and concurred with the board of regents’ decision to dismiss the president on the grounds of corruption and moral destitution. Randazzo and her vegan cohort were ecstatic at the news, tittering ironically, “Sackitch must really have egg on his face now that he’s been canned and probably working at Hot Dog on a Stick…serves the S.O.B. right!”

Would-Be Librarian Arrested on Felony Comb-Over Charges

2007-04-04T20:20:00.001-05:00

Late Wednesday morning counselors, interns, and assorted underlings at Rainwater University were dispatched to help traumatized library staff cope with stress and jangled nerves following a random act of indecent exposure. According to a campus press release, education librarian candidate Harry Highbeam willfully exposed his refulgent skull streaked with overgrown hair originating from the perimeter of his head as far south as his sideburns to a roomful of innocent bystanders. Highbeam’s chaperone that day, reference department head Brenda Features, claims she “didn’t understand why Harry kept his hat on” upon their initial entrance into the building, realizing only in retrospect his intent to uncork his comb-over before the widest possible audience at his interview presentation.

Reactions of eyewitnesses ranged from projectile vomiting to temporary blindness at the sight of Highbeam’s luminous pate, though lasting injuries were fortunately averted. “If Daisy Flibb, our head of circulation, hadn’t alertly tripped the silent alarm shortly after Highbeam’s abominable act,” explained HR director Keisha LaQuinta, “we could have had a major triage situation on our hands.” Within minutes, however, university police stormed the library, draped a blanket over Highbeam, and bundled him off to a storage room in the bowels of the building before he was remanded to local law enforcement.

Library director Martin Malthus expressed disbelief at the events that transpired during Highbeam’s interview. “Our zero-tolerance policy on comb-overs is completely in line with state laws and professional codes of conduct. Harry should have known better than to try a foolish stunt like that. I’m just glad no one was seriously hurt.” But onlookers hinted at ulterior motives behind the flagrant head fake, indicating they had heard Highbeam through muffled cries under the blanket repeatedly insisting that victims of male pattern baldness are a minority and should be entitled to protected class status. LaQuinta, however, bristled at the notion. “We try to accommodate people with as many awkward defects as possible in support of our commitment to diversity; but, hell, if we suddenly add baldness to the list we might as well throw in left-handed polydactyls while we’re at it!”

"Potty Mouth" Information Service an Undergraduate Fave

2007-04-01T14:09:00.000-05:00

The Undergraduate Outreach Librarian at Knickerbocker State University, Parma Schinken, has found an effective way to reach her patron population -- by setting up the "Potty Mouth" information service in the second-floor women's restroom of Main Library. "Expecting students to think about research when they're 'working it' in our study space is asking a bit much," she reasoned. "They're much too busy taking cell phone calls or responding to instant messages. And rightly so. Students have made abundantly clear that their #1 goal in attending KSU is to make connections with others, preferably physical ones."

Schinken got the idea to set up in the restroom when she noticed it was the one place students avoided using electronic devices. "Companies peddling anti-bacterial products obviously have pounded the hygiene message into this generation's subconscious." Removed from the meat market just outside the bathroom door, she found that students often have their most profound thoughts while sitting on the John. "All you need to do is engage them in conversation, and they direct their opinions and questions to you rather than writing them on the wall." Of course if students are using the bathroom as a place to hook up, Schinken politely retreats. She plans to expand the wildly popular service to the men's restroom next semester.

Undergraduates Turn Cannibals In Response to No-Food Rule Enforcement

2007-03-26T11:22:00.000-05:00

Hampson University Library--March 26, 2007. In a grizzly turn of events this morning, a band of 20 undergraduates actually devoured a librarian after she scolded them and ordered them either to throw away the pizza they were eating or leave the building.

Edna Heavysides's bones had been picked clean by the time police were able to pry the students off her carcass. Her blood-soaked mumu lay smoldering in tatters; her glasses, crushed.

"It looked like a scene out of Euripides's tragedy The Bacchae," claimed one witness, a classics major named Arthur Skimpole, who raced out of the Stoker Reading Room to call 911. "I mean, she might as well have been Pentheus set on by the maenads."

Though the learned reference was lost on almost everyone, President Coven of Hampson University, a former professor of English, got the gist of it. "This is a terrible tragedy for all concerned. And no, Mr. Skimpole, I don't mean 'tragedy' as in Greek tragedy. I mean more like 'catastrophe' or 'disaster.' Like you hear on the evening news. To be frank, the story reminded me more of a scene from Lord of the Flies--Piggy's glasses and all. Or Tennessee Williams's play Suddenly Last Summer, in which Sebastian, like Ms. Heavysides, is literally 'devoured.' But I digress."

The University Librarian, Alicia Borrowyczk, has already struck a task force to review the library policy banning food and drink. "Maybe we took things a bit too far," mused Borrowyczk tearfully. "I never thought it would come to this." Then she broke into sobs, "Oh God! Heavysides will never 'shush' again!"

In an awkward attempt to lighten the funereal mood prevailing in the library today, Borrowyczk added, "Our undergraduates are hungrier than I suspected, and not just for knowledge, apparently."

No arrests were made. Antwan Tampone, Chief of Campus Security, commented, "Hey, everyone's gotta eat. Nothin' wrong with that."

Reparations Sought from Public Libraries Nationwide

2007-03-24T14:50:00.001-05:00

Representing nearly a quarter-million plaintiffs across the continental United States, Gaudy and Garish, LLP, has filed a historic class action suit on behalf of adults crippled during their youth by traumatic shushing at their local public libraries. “The men and women we’re representing range in age from 19 to 76, and most suffer debilitating physical and mental impairments as a result of their collective ordeal,” said Randall Garish, co-partner of the high-octane legal firm. Suing for damages in excess of $168 million, the plaintiffs are allegedly connecting the shushing to a host of later afflictions and intend to corroborate those claims through a gaggle of expert witnesses. “Going to the library as a youngster was so difficult for me because I loved and still love to read, but I was terrified by the librarian demanding absolute silence with her wicked index finger pressed against those desiccated lips,” recalled Jim McCusker, 57, of Santa Paloma, CA, who has worn adult diapers his whole adult life due to blistering incontinence. Some younger members of the class attribute their present eating disorders to the dunning sibilations of fanatical booktenders too, though in fairness many have gone on to become some of this country’s most successful supermodels.

Legal observers agree the charge of shushing is hardly in question, but add that linking it to later psychological and physiological maladies will be a tough sell unless the case is tried in Massachusetts. “We could have filed in the Bay State,” noted Garish, “but we decided to take this case right to LANA’s (Library Association of North America’s) backyard and filed in Ohio instead.” With polls indicating popular sentiment having turned against the library community, Eugenia Baker, President-Elect of LANA, has thrown her profession on the mercy of the court of public opinion. “Maybe we as librarians did go overboard hushing and shushing patrons in years past, especially before the Internet offered any competition to our stranglehold on information services. But paying out this kind of settlement would shutter a huge number of public libraries across the country and in the process devastate entire communities which depend on our indispensable services,” pled Baker tearily at a press conference. “Unlike the Catholic Church, we simply don’t have the resources to shell out for past injustices.” Whether the novel gambit will pay off remains to be seen, but several thousand members of the class have since dropped out of this case and joined pending Church molestation suits, according to recent reports.

"Feral" MLS Students Give Free Web Thumbs Up; Spurn Elitists

2007-03-21T06:33:00.000-05:00

San Matteo, CA. Remember James G. Neal's 2006 article "Raised by Wolves" in Library Journal (http://www.libraryjournal.com/article/CA6304405.html)? About the new "feral professionals" in libraries--workers who join the academic library world without an MLS to fill emerging positions in systems, human resources, fundraising, and instructional technology? Who could forget.

Well if you thought these so-called professionals were "feral," check out the new generation of MLS students at San Matteo State College's School of Information and Library Science. That's right--try as library school faculty might to encourage students to lay off Wikipedia, the Encyclopedia Britannica, and Google in favor of discipline-specific, librarian-approved print and electronic scholarly resources, today's MLS students are having none of it.

"I'm sick of these damn ignorant teachers who don't know one thing telling me not to use Wikipedia," huffed Caroline Hedupherass, 22. "I mean, hello? It's the first thing that comes up when you do a Google search every time, right? That means it's the most-often-visited site on that topic. And most-often-visited means most truthful, obviously. I mean, duh-uh? People vote with their feet, after all."

Asked by LP reporter Divine whether it was possible that Wikipedia creates its own audience by flooding the Web with its articles with the result that they always appear first in a Google search and thus get clicked on a lot, Hedupherass grew downright ornery. "I'm not into these chicken-and-egg questions, asshole! Jeezus, you sound just like one of my fucking fancypants professors. Get lost."

When Divine countered that it is just as easy to search in a scholarly print resource or licensed database and get peer-reviewed information--if library school students would only take the time to figure out where to look--Hedupherass's friend chimed in. "No fucking way! That's like saying 'read the book' instead of watching the movie. I don't have all day, you know!" shrieked Meredith Poundexter, also 22. "I plan to work in a public library, get it?! Not some snot-nosed ARL library with a billion books and everyone running around with a fuckin' PhD. Hell, I may even become a children's librarian. How d'ye like them apples, eh, fucker? That's right! That way, anything I tell my customers--yes, customers, customers, customers!!!!--will be news. And they'll thank me, unlike these hard-ass library school professors. Jeez."

Now that's feral.

Inmates Spurn Print, Riot for Full-Text Resources

2007-03-02T19:25:00.004-06:00

Following a weekend mêlée sparked by discontent over its shabby library, officials at San Quentin State Prison managed to restore order by promising a wholesale upgrade of the facility over the next six months. “As a first step in transforming the old San Quentin Library into the new San Quentin Learning Center, we’ve decided to do away with print materials, since most of them were either burned or symbolically used as toilet paper during the unrest,” noted Warden Steven Belcher assertively. Inmates’ dissatisfaction had evidently been mounting for some time but went overlooked because the library’s suggestion box too often consisted of “obscene notes soiled with semen, urine or feces,” according to librarian Blaine Forsythe. The disturbance nevertheless sent a clear message that San Quentin’s library and those of prisons around California, which lack any computers or on-line connectivity, are totally inadequate in this day and age and make any hope of rehabilitation impossible. “How do they expect me to reintegrate myself back into society in 36 months without access to the same kinds of e-books and on-line journals I had in college?” huffed convicted robber Joseph Sweetmeat, 25, one of the cohorts of what has been dubbed the PDF Mutiny.

Sources close to the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation admitted that this sort of uprising within the prison system had been a ticking time bomb for years. “As greater numbers of young low-lifes and incorrigibles continue to populate America’s prisons,” said one official, “the Department should have foreseen that these Millennials would someday instigate a violent rebellion, since they take a lifetime of broadband access for granted as one of their inalienable rights and have no intention of losing it simply because they’ve been incarcerated.” Belcher concurred, but noted that the promise of extra Internet privileges once the library goes on-line could help induce good inmate behavior throughout the penitentiary. Asked for his assessment of the changes afoot in his library, Forsythe observed blankly, “Internet access in the library essentially guarantees that I’ll be sodomized on a daily basis, out of malice if we end up filtering and from frenzied lust after inmates’ porn binges if we don’t. It may be time to retire.”

Mystery Bindle Solves Library Budget Woes

2007-02-16T18:35:00.004-06:00

“I’m delighted to announce that thanks to the generosity of an anonymous donor the anticipated layoffs, reduction of services, and near elimination of our collection development budget this year will not be necessary,” proclaimed director Oliver Meriwether at a press conference on the front steps of Muggyshortz Public Library. The recent windfall came after a shelver discovered some personal effects of one of the library’s many homeless denizens stuffed behind some books on a bottom shelf along the folio wall. When the large pungent green sack was returned to the circulation desk as a lost-and-found item and its drawstring loosened, out sprang a hoard of cash in rubber-banded hundred dollar bills onto the floor. The entire sack amounted to just over $1,000,000, even containing discontinued $500 and $1,000 dollar bills. “You sometimes hear about eccentric folks who in reality are really rich but decide to live life on the streets,” surmised circulation desk supervisor Gina Brady. “But with so many homeless people hanging out in the library every day, how could we possibly find out whose it is? Still, there’s no way we could actually keep the money.”

But keep it they did. Once Meriwether was apprised of the situation the next morning, he immediately called an all-staff meeting at which he issued a gag order on the matter to all employees until further notice. But news this juicy couldn’t stay secret long. Word soon leaked beyond the library staff, and once overheard by the indigent community, they were lining up to claim ownership of the fortune. However, none could correctly identify either the amount in question or the presence of ultra large bills which characterized the cache within the time specified by law, according to Meriwether. “We would have been glad to return the money to its rightful owner, but after thirty days of waiting that person clearly didn’t come forward, so it became our legal property.”

But one homeless library patron, Larry Carado, 44, who has spent the last month in the hospital recovering from injuries allegedly sustained at the hands of Muggyshortz Library security, provided detailed particulars about the money, including the precise location where the sack was discovered. “I think they must have seen me handling my money on their surveillance video and decided to come after it,” contended Carado from his bed, “because the next thing I knew these two security guards escorted me out the back door, beat the hell out of me, and tossed me in a dumpster.” Meriwether called Carado’s claim “baseless” and insists that the library took possession of the money exactly as prescribed by law, though he denied this LP reporter’s several requests to review the library’s surveillance tapes from the date in question.

Library of Prestige Hires Baseball Cap

2007-02-08T06:05:00.000-06:00

Washington, D.C.--The Library of Prestige, the nation's most, well, prestigious, well, library, hired an undergraduate English major from a local community college, Tyler Tongueass, to be its next Andrew W. Canteloupe Curator of Manuscripts today. "We're so pleased," cooed Richard Claptrap, the John Kennedy O'Toole Librarian of Prestige. "It couldn't have worked out better. Tyler shows such incredible promise. Sure, he's only 18 and isn't certain he's going to stick with English Lit or even finish his degree, but what the heck? It's only community college anyway. And he looks so dashing in his backwards baseball cap and track pants."

Asked why such a big-name institution would resort to hiring an 18-year-0ld, even a so-called brilliant one, for one of its most important curatorships, Claptrap grew defensive, "So what if if he's only 18? He's got potential. He's not some used-up, pompous windbag from Harvard who's worn out his welcome and sees us as a life raft. Plus Tyler smells nice--when he bathes, of course. Moreover, the high school teacher who recommended Tyler most strongly to us, Lance Bottoms, is a wrestling coach--young guy--and I hardly need to tell you that he is a pretty healthy, powerfully-built man. I met with the coach personally--since he was local. Coach Bottoms greeted me in a thong, tousled my comb-over, pinned me on the mat, and gave me a big bear hug--just for fun. Well, after that it was pretty much a no-brainer that Tyler was our man. We're even thinking about creating a post for Coach Bottoms himself at Prestige. With that body of a gladiator--I kid you not--he could handle Security Guard no problem. And that way he and Tyler and I could have lunch together."

Librarian Has Sexual Thought, Reconsiders

2007-02-06T20:10:00.002-06:00

Internet pop-ups had been a thing of the past on library computers at Bayside University for so long that head of collection development Peter Doubt felt genuinely surprised by a stray ad that got past his blocker software that foggy January morning. Overcoming his instincts to close the window, Doubt stopped long enough to take in the sight glowing before his eyes. “I was immediately taken back to the first time I had seen bukkake in a magazine at a Japanese friend’s house back in high school, long before the Internet,” reminisced Doubt. The combination of a six-year sexual dry spell coupled with rekindled feelings from his youth triggered by the prurient ad gave him the most intense erection of his life compounded by a scrotum billowing “like a guy hyperventilating into a bag” within his corduroys. Then Doubt caught sight of shapely student worker Callie Pigeon bent down under her desk, apparently retrieving a wayward pencil, sending his head absolutely swimming with desire.

“Peter…Peter!” came the jarring interruption from Ursula Schneider, the pachydermatous head of cataloging standing in Doubt’s doorway, whose prattling snapped him back to his senses just in time to close the pop-up. After sending Schneider away, Doubt was confronted with another heinous colleague in his midst, this time malodorous Rose Hetherington, the metadata librarian. “God, she emanates this disgusting gamy funk—she’s a walking dose of smelling salts,” Doubt thought, trying not to appear markedly affected by the stench. One by one after Hetherington a parade of Doubt’s most hatchet-faced, misbegotten colleagues darkened his office door for some trifling matter or other. “After that hideous onslaught there’s no getting it up for a week, easy,” Doubt admitted to himself. “I should just get that Triple Whopper I’ve been hankering to try and get back to work. What a Monday.”

Student Body Confers Dubious Honor on Library

2007-01-26T04:33:00.001-06:00

In a tradition dating back to the founding of the institution, each spring students at Wilburn University submit their “best” list to The Lemur, the school’s daily newspaper. “See how in the early days Wilburn students submitted things like ‘best place on campus to hold hands’ and ‘best soda fountain in town’?” mused university archivist Curtis Kramer somewhat nostalgically as he pointed to the April 1937 issue of the Weekly Renegade, forerunner of The Lemur. Kramer went on to bemoan how in recent years the whole thing had devolved into a sordid little venue for undergraduates to show their vulgarity, apparently aware that the new “best bathrooms on campus” distinction had been bestowed on the library.

This LP reporter admittedly found the library’s lavatories well appointed, featuring ample supplies of two-ply toilet paper, floor-to-ceiling marble toilet stalls, stained glass transom windows, a fully functional sanitary products machine for the ladies, cool soothing lighting, and overall spotless appearance. A special support group, Friends of the Library Restrooms (FLR), has even been formed specifically to ensure that these award-winning comfort stations remain a source of pride for the Wilburn campus community. “The first thing we did was to transfer any existing graffiti into a sort of guest book before removing it; then we installed little note pads and boxes for folks to continue submitting their creative output while maintaining the overall cleanliness of the restrooms,” explained Martha Samuels, president of the FLR, flipping through the gilt-edged album bound in full morocco leather. In addition, the daily placement of fresh copies of The Lemur in each toilet stall has proved a highly popular innovation with students. “After early morning yoga I’m usually ready to drop anchor,” acknowledged junior Sarah Kendall. “With a paper right there next to me, I can read, listen to tunes, and generally multitask while doing my business, kind of like I’m in my own little office.”

Beyond Kramer’s concerns of decorum some librarians see a more sinister side to the way this flippant attitude further diminishes perceptions of the library’s real value to the university community. Others are less apprehensive. “I saw the piece in The Lemur and don’t really see why people are so uptight. Let’s face it, taking a dump in a public restroom is never a picnic, so we should be happy our students and faculty appreciate the essential services we provide,” noted geography librarian Rivat Daragcharthany. University Librarian Manuel Guerra agreed, and has allocated the FLR a modest budget and instructed library development officer Jenny Klinger to liaise with the group in the hopes of garnering some higher profile publicity and perhaps an endowment.

School Librarians Moonlight as Deputy PC Police

2007-01-10T16:02:00.001-06:00

As Jillie Francis entered her boss’ office, sat down, and opened the plastic bag she was carrying, she couldn’t help but pause and wonder whether she was doing the right thing. “Now what can I do for you, Jillie?” asked Principal Bert Falcone, repeatedly fogging and wiping his eyeglass lenses. Francis explained the dismay she felt when the first lot of pens, pencils, and other assorted art supplies arrived at the B.A. Baracus Elementary School library as part of a plan to make these items available for loan to students. “To be honest, Bert, I’m embarrassed that in this day and age companies can still be so culturally insensitive,” Francis asserted, handing Falcone a package of Croyala “colored chalk.” Falcone furrowed his brow but failed to see the problem. He then dismissed Francis from his office, telling her she was reading far too much into the use of a simple adjective.

Francis’ conscience, however, couldn’t rest until she had posed the question to colleagues around the state, who resoundingly concurred with her intuition that Croyala had been “insensitive,” “irresponsible,” and generally culpable for contaminating the youth of America with such an abhorrently antiquated phrase. Then, what began as an on-line petition of protest to Croyala and other manufacturers of school and art supplies soon escalated into overwhelming pressure for the School Librarians’ Association of Michigan (SLAM) to adopt a full-blown resolution demanding an alteration of the offensive product language or risk a boycott. “As if the phrase ‘colored chalk’ wasn’t bad enough, one of our male members pointed out that those sticks are stereotypically twice as long and three times thicker than their white counterparts,” concluded Amanda Jacoby at the press conference SLAM called to make public its displeasure.

Response from Croyala has been swift and predictably remorseful. Cutting short his vacation in Arizona, Tad Branham, Vice President of Croyala’s parent company Finney & Smythe, Inc., flew to Dearborn to express his company’s sorrow in person at SLAM’s annual meeting. “As part of its commitment to cultural sensitivity, childhood creativity, and library vitality, I’m proud to present this certificate of lament and a $50,000 check of apology to the School Librarians’ Association of Michigan on behalf of the Finney & Smythe Corporation.” Interrupting the applause, Branham continued, “We profoundly regret the oversight, have changed the wording on the package to read ‘chalk of color’ effective immediately, and have begun a thoroughgoing investigation into our entire Croyala product line to eradicate potentially objectionable language and prejudicial size discrepancies, knowing full well that our competitors will soon follow suit.” Francis afterward said she felt validated by the rapid change she had helped bring about, but wondered whether she had inadvertently obligated herself to leading future crusades for the rest of her career.

Interim Library Director Found to Be Bobblehead Doll

2006-12-18T03:41:00.001-06:00

A few short months on the heels of Theodore “Teddy” Crevicecracker’s firing, Testicle Tech University library again found itself covered in shame, chagrin and rue, as close inspection revealed that interim library director Kimberly Nelson was in reality a 7” plastic bobblehead doll. What began as an April Fool’s joke by campus administration devolved into serious consideration and then actual installation of a docile figurehead that represented at once a considerable salary savings and also a hypnotically calming influence for the library in the wake of the recent leadership convulsion, according to campus president William Scrotesque.

“I’m still shocked that no one figured it out sooner,” mused Laura Brough, head of instructional services, shaking her head in disbelief. “Now I see why university administration wanted to recruit an interim director from off campus this time. You’d think someone on the search committee would have noticed that kind of thing, though.” When asked whether they ever suspected they were dealing with an inanimate candidate in “Kimberly,” committee members interviewed by LP balked at the notion. “We all thought ‘Kimberly’ was polite, a good listener, and did great at the interview overall—though she didn’t eat much at dinner that evening,” agreed the group.

E-mail correspondence obtained by LP indicates library paraprofessional staff have been splitting their sides ridiculing “those highbrow librarians with their fancy degrees” who were so asleep at the wheel it took them almost four months to realize their new leader was a knickknack. “There were times when I thought ‘Kimberly’s’ expression was just too wooden,” acknowledged Katie Heinz, administrative assistant to the library director, holding back a chuckle. “Little did I know it was actually plastic.” Others in the library were not at all amused by the revelation. Colleagues of serials head Marty Montrose overheard him say these developments have had him more depressed than Soviet porn.

With a real search for a new director now underway, president Scrotesque said he doesn’t regret the mild prank. The library staff “needed a little something” to take their minds off recent events and this was a way to achieve that and put the library back on even footing, he insisted. “Besides,” noted Scrotesque, “Now I have some great material for the upcoming issue of the Association of College and University Presidents Newsletter.

Faculty Baffled as Librarian Voted Chair of Campus Curriculum Committee

2006-12-18T03:36:00.006-06:00

A stunning concatenation of circumstances has brought about the most ironic election results in the history of the faculty senate at Grosspointe State University. As of next fiscal year Joseph Knottbrite, government documents librarian, will take the reins as chair of the Campus Curriculum Committee (CCC). “How in the hell can a librarian of all people, someone who’s never set foot in a classroom to teach a course—not even that information literacy crap—pretend to be capable of chairing a committee that requires such extensive knowledge of curriculum matters?” thundered outgoing CCC chair Gary Bixby. Several faculty were seen wringing their hands over having let a librarian sneak onto the ballot undetected in the first place, while others chose to go Jack Daniels in the campus pub. Despite a recount and valiant parliamentarian maneuvers to annul the election, the vote ultimately had to stand.

News of the election has sent shockwaves throughout the Grosspointe community due to the results as much as the revelation that Knottbrite was a librarian at all. “I always saw him in the library at one of the large study tables in the government documents area poring over reports and the like and automatically assumed he was a political scientist or member of the journalism department,” wheezed business school dean Duke Ripley from his hospital bed following a recent bout of food poisoning. For many faculty these election results are proof positive that librarians, counselors, and coaches have no business holding faculty status at Grosspointe. “What’s next, football coach [Dan] Flanagan as faculty senate chair?” asked one faculty member rhetorically.

Despite a smear campaign designed to embarrass Knottbrite into resigning the post, he maintained he has no plans to do so. “They can call me a soup-slurper, laugh at my lack of a chin, and accuse me of not having an advanced degree in a subject area like most of my library colleagues,” sniffed Knottbrite stridently, “But that’s not going to stop me, a tenured librarian, from carrying out this important duty for the campus or from jumping all over the release time that comes with the position.” As a symbolic tit-for-tat gesture Bixby has decided to stand for the chairmanship of the University Library Committee and hopes to wreak havoc on the library’s strategic plan over the next five years.

"Racist" Remark Results in Library Firing

2006-12-17T15:14:00.001-06:00

A university community’s breathtaking ignorance of the English language has landed Theodore “Teddy” Crevicecracker, formerly library director at Testicle Tech University, in the unemployment line for his comments following a recent public lecture. Addressing an audience of mostly ethnic studies students and community members in connection with the campus’ Juneteenth celebration, Crevicecracker observed how, unlike many universities, Testicle Tech had never behaved niggardly towards the ethnic studies department, nor had it shortchanged the library’s funding in that subject area. “We were all just shocked that Teddy could be so insensitive as to use the ‘N’ word like that, especially to this group,” clucked Rosa Garcia-Contreras, interlibrary services librarian at Testicle Tech, who was in attendance at the talk. Initial shock swiftly turned into seething rage both on and off campus, prompting angry letters of protest from the Black Student Alliance, the NAACP, and even Death Row Records demanding Crevicecracker’s resignation.

Amidst the firestorm of criticism and controversy, faculty in the English and linguistics departments rallied around Crevicecracker and vociferously clamored that “niggardly” is no slur, going so far as to delineate the Scandinavian etymology of the word through a full-page ad in The Daily Vas, Testicle Tech’s student newspaper. “Tss. I don’t care what it says in the dictionary. That saltine should have known we were going to be offended when we heard that word, and we have a right not to be offended,” fumed Splaqueisha Jackson, president of the Black Student Alliance. Pleas in defense of Crevicecracker and standard English fell equally on deaf ears, as campus president William Scrotesque formally dismissed Crevicecracker a week after the incident, citing the inappropriate choice of words at the lecture—Scandinavian or not—as well as a recent dip in his own popularity ratings. Crevicecracker has purportedly retained the services of the high-powered law firm Gaudy and Garish, LLP, and intends to file suit for wrongful dismissal that he claims was politically motivated.

University Appeases the Hell out of Donor

2006-11-22T20:55:00.001-06:00

As part of a deal to name the library at Bayside University and secure a substantial endowment that will offset recent budget cuts, president Caroline Ellings has agreed to install a massive Chutes and Ladders-style slide extending from the roof of the building to the campus quad five stories below, according to a recent campus press release. “The donor is a distant heir to the Bradley side of the famous Milton Bradley gaming empire, so we thought this would be a fitting, albeit unconventional acknowledgement of her generosity,” Ellings told LP.

The agreement came following nearly two years of patient negotiations and a series of offers and counter-offers that had both sides worn out talking about dollars and “donor appreciation,” though Ellings wouldn’t disclose the amount of the monetary gift to the university. In the end, the slide proved more feasible and functional than a Barrel of Monkeys, Battleship, Twister, or even Candyland motif, all of which were proposed by the campus development office. “The slide effectively doubles as a means of emergency exit for the administrative services office on the fifth floor,” noted library director Chris Gee. “If we’re going to have to flee a burning building, we might as well enjoy the ride, don’t you think?”

The soon-to-be Nixon Library is the third naming opportunity Ellings has clinched in her four-year tenure at Bayside and represents a major step towards the university’s $250 million fundraising campaign. To the surprise of many, students and faculty have expressed united opposition to this type of donor recognition, the former upon learning that the slide will not be publicly accessible and the latter seeing it as a symbol of egg-sucking in the university’s mercenary attempt to secure funding from extramural sources. “I’m surprised we didn’t end up courting Six Flags and offering to slap a Ferris wheel down in the quad,” observed biology professor Cameron Carmichael wryly.

Despite the news, however, veteran librarians aren’t ready to retire the tip jar at the reference desk just yet. “As amazing at this sounds to an outsider, there’s no guarantee that any of that endowment money will ever find its way to the library,” cautioned education librarian Julie Millard. “Even when endowments are designated for specific purposes, administrators usually find a way to cut the strings and use the money as they please.” With Ellings firmly in control of the endowment proceeds, few of Millard’s colleagues are expecting more than a trickle of funding for the library.

Classroom Cleavage Hospitalizes Instruction Librarian

2006-11-22T20:49:00.001-06:00

Amid the sweltering heat pervading the first day of fall semester at Rainwater University, new instruction librarian Billy Bacon was stricken with ganglionic failure and rushed to a local hospital, according to a university spokesperson. “That first day of instruction was particularly humid,” Bacon noted from his hospital bed. “I was just hoping my classroom wouldn’t be ice cold from the air conditioning because sometimes drastic temperature changes can affect my equilibrium.” Upon entering his classroom Bacon immediately felt the perspiration on his body go cold but proceeded to unpack his briefcase to retrieve his notes before turning to face the class. As he laid eyes on his students for the first time, however, the frigid classroom was the only thing that kept the thirty-one year old librarian from spontaneously combusting, as Bacon was blinded by a sea of taut, tanned undergraduate bodies amply exposed to view. “Those co-eds who weren’t blazing their high beams beneath low-cut, quasi bikini tops were flaunting their bare thighs in short denim cutoffs and ultra mini skirts,” Bacon recalled. In the face of this flesh pageant, Bacon’s eyes widened, his stomach began to tingle, and his breathing shortened before a cerebral occlusion caused him to pass out and bang his head sharply on the eraser holder at the base of the classroom whiteboard. “Like, with all the talent in our class, I probably would’ve bailed up there too,” noted freshman Deke Sainsbury following the incident.

During his recovery, Bacon’s initial feelings of heartfelt appreciation for his colleagues’ concern quickly turned to anger and contempt. The pack of racy get-well cards and breast-shaped balloons delivered to the hospital over the next two days not only confirmed in his mind that he had been the victim of a hostile work environment, but that his co-workers were mocking his misfortune with thoroughly unprofessional behavior. “No college instructor—any instructor, for that matter—should have to be subjected to sexual harassment in the classroom perpetrated by licentiously attired undergraduate females,” insisted Wayne Gaudy, co-partner of Gaudy and Garish, LLP, smoking a Louisville Slugger-sized cigar in the canyon between his gapped front teeth. “The litigation we’ve initiated on Mr. Bacon’s behalf has, quite frankly, been a long time in coming for classroom instructors around the country ranging from middle schools to universities and will set a bold precedent for appropriate attire in their workplace.” Legal scholars are of two minds on the pending lawsuit, but wholeheartedly agree that the rift already emerging on university campuses over the issue will only grow wider whatever its outcome.

Local Ordinance Rescues Beleaguered Librarians

2006-11-16T02:02:00.001-06:00

In a bold move that has area politicos and bibliophiles buzzing, the Morgantown, TN city council recently passed legislation making it a hate crime to stereotype librarians of any kind. “We really felt it was important to defend our librarians from further persecution here in Morgantown,” stated Jonas B. Sterling, city council chair, “So getting this law on the books represents a major accomplishment.” Though quite broad in its sweep, the ordinance does make provisions for incrementally severe fines and penalties for specific stereotypes, including shushing, obesity, sexual orientation, dowdiness, and reading on the job. The legislation came as somewhat of a surprise to the national library community but was roundly applauded from coast to coast. “As librarians we were secretly hoping for federal protection under the Endangered Species Act, but this a step in the right direction too,” said Eugenia Baker, President-Elect of the Library Association of North America (LANA), in a prepared statement.

After enduring questionable comments regarding his livelihood for the third time this month, librarian Bill Holloway contacted The Unblinking Eye, a special investigative news arm of Library Pariah, about exposing would-be criminals under the new ordinance through covert operations. Acting on a tip from a colleague, Holloway took his car in to a shop ostensibly to have the distributor checked, all the while wearing a tiny recording device masking as a shirt button which transmitted the encounter to The Eye’s news van parked around the corner. “When I explained I’m a reference librarian at Sleepy Valley Community College, the mechanic looked up from the written estimate he was preparing and said with a smile it must be nice ‘to be able to sit around reading all day,’” Holloway would later testify. Holloway feigned taking the comment in stride as he always had, but felt constrained to point out that most librarians in reality spend very little time doing any sustained reading. No sooner had he left the shop than The Unblinking Eye team descended on Busy Crankshaft Auto Repair—Cheaters style—to confront owner Gregg Tubbs on the illegal behavior of his staff. Tubbs claimed he was unaware of the law in question but was rendered speechless by the incontrovertible evidence of the video playback. He was fined $25,000, given three years’ probation, and ordered to undergo sensitivity training for himself and his staff every 18 months.

Following the incident Holloway told The Eye, “I’m glad I was able to take at least one hater off the street, but what we’ve started here in Morgantown is just the beginning. Librarians nationwide need to contact their local representatives and write letters to Congress to put our plight on the national agenda so we can stamp out the problem for good.”

Special Collections Exploited for Filthy Lucre

2006-11-14T13:21:00.001-06:00

When the piano is tuned, the sterling silver candelabra trotted out, and the Bordeaux uncorked, it can mean only one thing at Beckwith University Library: a fundraising reception with the Department of Special Collections once again acting as host. “Like most research libraries, we play up the sanctum sanctorum bit here too. How do you think the library raised the money for a new wing three years ago?” declared library director Donald Fudge, pointing to a framed clipping of himself donning his ceremonial hardhat and shovel in hand at the groundbreaking. While many fundraising professionals wearily seek out new revenue streams for their institutions with mixed results, director of library development Billie Rafferty has been upbeat about her recent successes drumming up cash at Beckwith. “The basic formula here is Dog and Pony Show + Food and Drink Reception = Generous Contributions from Wistful Donors,” she explained, looking over final preparations in the reading room.

For special collections staff tactical planning is paramount. “It’s all about hitting the right notes with potential donors,” observed head of special collections Natalie Fitzsimmons. “Our trustees are just trenchermen—give them some decent wine and any hors d’oeuvres with shrimp and they’ll gladly fill our coffers. Now local businessmen are different. These guys all style themselves as gentlemen-scholars deep down, so for them we make sure the wainscoting gleams and the lighting in the reading room is just right. Women seem to go gaga for fore-edge painting. Others really have a thing for association copies, so in the end we’re always refining our presentation to try and satisfy the most common tastes at these dos.”

However, assistant curator of rare books Joel McMillan has been suffering pangs of conscience over what these functions are doing to the materials under his care. “Honestly, sometimes I feel like I’m pimping out our collections for vulgar voyeuristic consumption,” he told LP. “The night before our last reception I dreamt one of our rare books spoke to me as I was preparing to install it in a display case. It sobbed, ‘You know I’m just eye candy for you and your friends. You stick me in this glass prison under bright lights, make me sit in a hard cradle with my boards forced wide open for public view, injuring my spine in the process, and allow complete strangers to gape at me at my most vulnerable, fogging the glass up with their boozy breath and lustily imagining what kind of cheap pleasures I would bring them if they ever got their hands on me. You swine!’” The library’s motives for these fundraisers are of particular concern to McMillan, who claims special collections staff are repeatedly asked to plan and execute labor-intensive reception displays, yet never see any of the money raised benefiting their department. “I just can’t help but feel like a pawn in this sordid game our administration plays,” admitted McMillan despondently.

Rocker Librarian Recounts "Pink Floyd" Reference Question Ad Nauseam

2006-11-01T20:22:00.001-06:00

At Highsmith University Library, Jeremy “G-String” Crabtree may be the newbie, but at pop culture this crystal-carrying punkabilly garage band veteran is as grizzled as they come. Crabtree, the new psychology librarian at Highsmith and a recent graduate of Southeast State University’s LIS program, had his encyclopedic knowledge put to the test last week when a pair of undergraduates approached the reference desk to get an answer they hoped would settle a bet. “I wasn’t even on the desk at the time,” noted Crabtree as he rubbed his triceps, still tender from his most recent tattoo. “My office phone rang and it was Dorothy [the library’s senior reference librarian]. She’s kind of dour and not a big fan of using the Internet to answer reference questions, so I had to rush to the desk to help out. Naturally she was struggling to find any information about which came first, the cash register sound effects from the introduction of Pink Floyd’s “Money” or from the theme song of Are You Being Served?.”

Crabtree then outlined the deceptive complexity of the question, why print sources could never answer such a query, and the importance of authority when using the Internet for information. “As any Pink Floyd fan knows, Dark Side of the Moon was released on March 24, 1973, but I had to do some on-line digging on Jackpot for accurate information about the background of the AYBS? theme music.” Crabtree continued, “Some Web sites claim it predates ‘Money’ by two years, even quoting the theme song’s creator Ronnie Hazlehurst, but it just isn’t true. The AYBS? pilot first aired on Sept. 5, 1972, but the theme song with the cash register effects didn’t appear until the first regular episode, ‘Dear Sexy Knickers,’ which aired on March 21, 1973. So if you go by release date, AYBS? came first, but if you go by when the concept was first recorded, it’s gotta go to Pink Floyd since Dark Side was in the works long before even the pilot of Are You Being Served? I’m just stoked I was able to help answer the question and learn something in the process.”

But Crabtree has done nothing but blather on about the question and his prowess in sleuthing out an answer ever since, colleagues claim. “Everyone in reference knows that damn story by heart already,” snapped head of reference Kathy Coleman, rubbing her temples raw. “I mean I’m glad Jeremy is more ‘stoked,’ as he puts it, about reference work and all, but the inane trivia he’s footnoted to each retelling is grating on people’s nerves.” Other colleagues have resorted to switching desk hours or calling in sick altogether to avoid hearing the finer points of the question for the umpteenth time.

In addition to library colleagues, Crabtree has also regaled everyone from fuck-buddies to local scenesters with the tale, not to mention the excruciatingly detailed account he’s provided on his blog. Fortunately, Crabtree’s mentor in the library, Maxwell Lynch, convinced him to cancel a noontime brown bag presentation about the experience, but only with some cajoling. According to Lynch, he struggled for a diplomatic way to tell Crabtree that he’d gone completely “ape shit” over this one question for fear he’d blunt the young librarian’s enthusiasm. In the end Crabtree got the message that there would be many more questions in his future, some he will not be able to answer, so he would do well to maintain a more even keel about his reference experiences.

Librarian Demoted for Despoiling Faculty Club

2006-11-01T19:51:00.001-06:00

The elegant faculty club at Supercilious Private University has long endured as a haven for the tweedy professoriate, but just days ago that sacrosanct institution was desecrated by the irreverent bowels of social science bibliographer Preston Shekell. Amidst stimulating lunchtime conversation with anthropology chair Joe Waltham, Shekell excused himself to make use of the tastefully appointed facilities. When he hadn’t returned over forty-five minutes later, Waltham was compelled to abandon his dining companion to prepare for his next class that afternoon. Shortly thereafter the men’s room attendant walked in on what he and campus plumbers alike later described as the aftermath of a fecal calamity. “It was like Nam all over again—the reek, the filthy water, the sheer volume of shit…whoa, sorry,” mumbled Ron Richards, a twenty-year campus plumbing veteran, in a trailing voice as he struggled to clear the cobwebs of his difficult past. The rebarbative stench also infiltrated the club parlor, reportedly causing some discoloration of the upholstery.

The incident was immediately referred to a faculty senate select subcommittee, at whose deliberations Shekell endured recriminations and finger-pointing accompanied by shouts of “J’accuse!” and “Fie on you, Mr. Shekell!” The subcommittee’s recommendation for demotion was summarily received and endorsed by University Librarian Brent Horseley, who concurred with consensus opinion that even for a tenured faculty member such action would be cause for rebuke, but for a lowly librarian without faculty status or a doctorate nothing short of an administrative dick-whipping would suffice.

Upon learning of Shekell’s demotion to the library’s mailroom Waltham remarked, “It’s really a shame. Preston gave my graduate anthropology seminar an excellent tutorial in research strategies last week and so I felt obliged to show my appreciation; but I invite the guy to the faculty club one time as a guest and what does he do, he shits a dead horse in the men’s room and quietly leaves the scene of the crime. What did he expect?” Though rarely in public view on campus since his demotion, occasionally Shekell still hears muttered epithets from passing faculty such as “dyspeptic pony” and “wide-angle rectum,” language quoted directly from the subcommittee’s report that now appears on the faculty senate’s Web site.

Library NOT Heart of University, Survey Shows

2006-10-24T20:45:00.001-05:00

Recently released data from a wide-ranging study confirmed this week what university administrators nationwide have always suspected and librarians always feared. “For decades we’ve all been force-fed clichés about how important the library is and that a university is nothing but a ‘library surrounded by other buildings,’ but this report by the National Center for University Priorities (NCUP) debunks all that,” proclaimed Guy Rothschild, President of Wilburn University, at his fall convocation.

The NCUP’s report drew heavily on quantitative and qualitative survey results from over 50,000 students nationwide and concluded that university libraries are irrelevant to today’s student-customers, since everything is already free on Jackpot (the new search engine that offers random payouts to registered searchers) anyway. In fact, students’ top three uses for campus libraries, the survey found, were sleep, sex, and the manufacture of crystal meth. Rothschild spent much of the remaining convocation quoting excerpts from the executive summary of the lengthy report he had received that morning, ending with the report’s take on the familiar anatomical analogy. “The library is really more like the gall bladder of the university—nice to have, but not vital to its well-being.”

The convocation and attendant 85% cuts to Wilburn library’s base budget have thus far met with vehement blowback from librarians and allied support staff but eerie silence from library administrators. “How ironic that a graduate of Supercilious Private University, an institution renowned for its world-class library, would now effectively promote the abolition of Wilburn’s library so he and his fellow suits could pursue their own pet agendas! He would never stand for this crap if it was happening at his alma mater,” growled Marcia McIntyre, head of reference services.

Wilburn faculty have voiced displeasure with Rothschild as well. “What does he mean ‘if [Jackpot] is good enough for our students, it’s good enough for faculty’?” gasped Wolf Cheney, professor of English literature. “Every faculty member here knows students’ papers are already just swaths of text cut and pasted from shit sites they found on Jackpot strung together with their own pathetic run-on sentences. Faculty apathy and grade inflation are the only things keeping students’ GPAs and campus retention from plummeting through the floor and our funding from going with them. Without a library for faculty at least to conduct their research all bets are off!”

The Library Association of North America (LANA) has issued a terse response to both the NCUP’s report and developments at Wilburn: “Looks like the party’s over.”

Meeting Room Flap Sparks Controversy at Local Library

2006-10-24T20:30:00.001-05:00

A robe and slipper fetish group may file suit against the Putah County Library in Funkyfinger, NV after being denied access to the library’s community room earlier this month. According to Chester Simmons, founder and president of the local group, a staffer had initially honored the request to reserve the room by phone, but upon the group’s arrival library director Barnabas O’Malley intervened and denied their ingress into the meeting room. When confronted with questions from LP about the apparent discrimination, O’Malley cleared his throat and, assuredly adjusting his bowtie, replied, “On the contrary, we’ve freely made our facilities available to a variety of groups from the KKK and NAMBLA to the Smegma Society and Facesitters Anonymous.”

Community sentiment over the turn-away remains mixed and has been the hot topic of conversation in Funkyfinger since the episode. Some library regulars feel these fetishists are “a day at the beach” compared with other groups that have paraded in and out of that community room and ought to enjoy the same rights of access. Others disagree. “Practicing a fetish is a privilege in this town, not a right,” demanded Ronnie Potter at the library’s book drop as he inserted his DVD in the wrong chute. “I mean, who gives a damn about frayed bathrobes with years of skid marks burnt in and filthy cotton candy-colored bunny slippers anyway? If that’s what turns on those perverts, I can sell them tickets to watch my wife parade around the house all day!” The Putah County Board of Supervisors intends to revisit the library’s meeting room policy in the face of possible litigation, but ultimately defended O’Malley’s discretion in the matter.

Librarian's Padded Tenure File Escapes Notice

2006-10-24T19:49:00.001-05:00

Newly tenured librarian Valerie St. Thomas has been admittedly arrogant these past few days. As this LP reporter caught up with the Manuscripts Librarian at Grosspointe State University literally walking out to her car on her way to a “well-deserved” vacation in the South Pacific, her hat at a jaunty angle and sporting a flamboyant print shirt, the question of her tenure file was predictably the center of attention. “In all honesty,” St. Thomas stopped to quip momentarily, beams of smugness filtering through her flinty countenance, “I really put one over on that sponge-headed Tenure Committee, especially that teabagging chair.” She went on to describe the confounding array of nonaccomplishments and empty prose that larded her file, including “supervising the creation of a macro,” “chairing the library’s Social Committee,” and irrelevant training spanning everything from “Class C fire extinguisher handling” and “asbestos abatement awareness” to “forklift operation” and “understanding invoices.”

St. Thomas brazenly continued, explaining how the tenure committee commented favorably on every aspect of her other “contributions” but totally overlooked the absence of anything in her file addressing any actual processing of the library’s manuscript collection, tiny as it is. “I didn’t take this job because I wanted to process an inconsequential goddamn manuscript collection at some Mickey Mouse university,” St. Thomas revealed. “I came here for one reason only: a solid paycheck—augmented by a juicy 15% promotion that came with tenure—and an unfathomably great benefits package for this dump, so two reasons, really.”

Asked whether the committee’s recommendation came at all as a surprise, Judy Llewellyn, St. Thomas’ supervisor and head of the library’s Department of Special Collections, sighed and stated, “Mildly. I was pretty sure the TC (Tenure Committee) would ignore the chain of negative evaluations I had written over the past six years, since Valerie had put on some pretty memorable parties in the library, but I thought Muddy Wetwipes (Director of Library Services) had more sense than to tenure that Camel-smoking boozer.”

As she pulled out of faculty parking lot seven in her newly detailed Trans Am, St. Thomas grinned and slowed long enough to describe how her work days would change as a tenured librarian: “After my vacation in Fiji I’m going to spend most work days sleeping in, shopping for new clothes, taking twice as many cigarette breaks, and blowing library resources on unneeded high-end archival supplies. Ta.”

Librarian Uses Foreign Expression in Meeting, Pays Dearly

2006-10-24T19:39:00.003-05:00

In a strange turn of events that has left an entire department reeling, head of Testicle Tech University’s Department of Special Collections Dennis Morgan has been reassigned effective immediately following the latest library faculty meeting. “We were talking about ways to mend fences with our Serbo-Croatian Advisory Board (SCAB),” began Morgan, “and I thought my idea for the library to host a retrospective exhibit honoring our Serbo-Croatian community inaugurated by a lecture from the esteemed Prof. Durica would act as an excellent captatio benevolentiae in light of our rocky relations of late,” Morgan explained, referring to a Latin rhetorical phrase roughly translating to “seizing of goodwill (of an audience).” Morgan added that the responses from his library faculty colleagues were both shocking and unnerving and went on to describe the variety of snorts, guffaws, yawns, and eye-rolls of those librarians still awake at that point in the meeting.

Three days later, Morgan was informed by University Librarian Theodore “Teddy” Crevicecracker via e-mail that he was being reassigned unilaterally to a newly created position, Special Assistant to the University Librarian for Special Projects and Special Outreach. When asked by LP whether this reassignment had anything to do with the latest faculty meeting, Crevicecracker emphatically denied any connection whatsoever. “This exciting new position has been in the pipeline for some time now. I’ve had my eye on Dennis for the job all the while. Now that some administrative issues have been taken care of, I decided to move forward and make the change.” Crevicecracker confirmed in a follow-up interview by phone that the details of the job description were still being ironed out and that no dedicated budget had yet been identified or secured for Morgan in his new role.

Meanwhile Crevicecracker has appointed his AUL for Technical Services Lisa Pakapeanuts to head special collections in addition to her administrative duties. Asked to justify the move in light of workload issues and Pakapeanuts’ lack of experience in a special collections setting, Crevicecracker spoke confidently in favor of her ability to manage Morgan’s former department. “Her husband is head of special collections at Supercilious Private University, you know. I figure whatever she doesn’t learn from her subordinates she can pick up from her husband while the Pakapeanutses are out antiquing on weekends.”

Reactions to Morgan’s reassignment have ranged from Schadenfreude to pants-wetting ecstasy. “We ain’t Supercilious Private University,” asserted Juda Azucena, Librarian for Diversity and Outreach. “If Dennis wants to show off how he studied French or whatever, let him go to Paris.” Another librarian, who spoke on condition of anonymity, has expressed quiet concern at Morgan’s reassignment. “Teddy’s decision to reassign Dennis—a tenured librarian—single-handedly and without any regard for the Library Faculty Policy flies in the face of shared governance and the protections from administrative caprice that tenure is supposed to guarantee.” Morgan said he will decide whether to pursue a grievance through Testicle Tech’s faculty union after the shop steward returns from a junket to Hawaii.

Librarians Get Research Credit for Filling Staplers

2006-10-20T10:14:00.000-05:00

Tenure-track librarians at Third Tier State University were gratified when library administration supported their bid to count various activities as research that were previously unrecognized as such. Newly installed Library Dean Ashleigh Softie explained that any activity undertaken by a librarian that fosters research should count as research for tenure purposes, including filling staplers, unjamming printers, and sanitizing computer keyboards in public areas. "All of these activities promote patron research and offer rich opportunities for librarians to embark on research of their own," Softie told LP. "One of our librarians, for instance, has published a series of groundbreaking articles in top-ranked library journals assessing patron reaction to manual versus electric staplers. Thus the act of filling staplers is intimately connected to his research and should be acknowledged as such."

Under the leadership of longtime Dean Doris Snubber, Third Tier was widely regarded to have the most rigorous tenure standards for librarians at institutions belonging to the elite Association for Self-Important Libraries. During her thirty-five year tenure, Snubber defended Third Tier's stringent policies by pointing out that they forced "uppity teaching faculty" to recognize librarians' research contributions were equal to their own. "Why anyone with half a brain would think that a scientific paper linking a chemical commonly found in household cleaners to colon cancer contributes more to the scholarly record than a survey of five library patrons about their satisfaction level with the food selection in the library coffee shop is beyond me," she told LP in a past interview. When appraised of the new rules, however, even Snubber saw the handwriting on the wall: "The respect and status that Third Tier State Library has cultivated in the wider academic community is going to hell in a handbasket."

Not-so-Divine Revelation: Pariah Censorship Scandal, Day 2

2006-10-10T01:15:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, it was reported on these pages that the vicious act of censorship perpetrated against one of our own esteemed writers had its origins in the breakfast food industry. Not so. This Pariah contributor received a startling anonymous phone tip regarding the true reasons for removal of an article published late last week by Divine. "The doughnut scandal is just a cover. Look deeper. Judasson has connections he'd rather not have brought to light," rasped a throaty, yet oddly high-pitched voice on my answering machine.

Ever the investigative reporter, I took the occasion of Judasson's travel to Fire Island, New York for a "library conference" to riffle through his files, check his voicemail using the password he conveniently stored on a speed dial button, and login to his various email accounts using the "encrypted" password file he keeps on a post-it under his keyboard. From these sources, I was able to ascertain that the doughnut debacle was indeed a convenient cover story. Hugh Djass acknowledged receipt of funds from Judasson in a voicemail message from Saturday, and promised to send "the fax" right away. But who would pay to manufacture such a distasteful scandal, and why?

The answer lay in Judasson's gmail account, where the siren song of 2GB of storage space and convenient tagging was his ultimate betrayer. In an archive tagged both "committee" and "the gay", multiple messages detailed Judasson's work as a charter member of the radical right-wing Committee of Librarians Offended by Super-Effeminate Tendencies in Coworkers, Adjuncts, Supervisors and Emeriti (CLOSETCASE). The committee, founded by a group of like-minded male librarians enraged at the common presumption that they are homosexuals, seeks to stamp out even the slightest suggestion in research, media, and popular culture that male librarians are anything other than babe magnets. Late Friday night, CLOSETCASE sprang into action to squelch Divine's article. "As if being named 'Hotsypants' isn't bad enough, now he's turning the gym locker room, for so long the last refuge of unquestioned male heterosexuality, into a seedy bathhouse!" screeched one email from a CLOSETCASEr. "The thought of all those soapy, slippery men's bodies, with all those PhDs and whatnot, crying "Professor! Professor!" to one another as they enact their unholy commencement ceremony..." lamented another, seemingly too emotional to even complete his thought. With the built-up tension of a dozen or more CLOSETCASErs behind him, Judasson manufactured the doughnut scandal, paid off Djass, and pulled the article from Pariah's pages.

A sad day for libraries, a sad day for journalism. Judasson could not be reached for comment, although a spokesperson identifying himself as “Javier, the houseboy” promised to pass our request for comment along.

LP Accused of Censorship

2006-10-09T21:28:00.000-05:00

Sharp-eyed Pariah readers may have noticed this week that a news item concerning Dr. Robert S. Hotsypants briefly appeared on these pages, only to be pulled hours later by LP editors in a clear and brutal act of censorship. "Even we have our standards beneath which we won't creep," noted editor-in-chief Sven Judasson.

The author of the piece in question, well-known reporter Divine, was apoplectic when reached for comment. "That Judasson wouldn't know good news if it bit him in the ass," sneered Divine. "I should just kick him." Divine pointed out that his was the first piece pulled from LP, a rag notoriously otherwise devoid of any journalistic sensibilities and taste. "This is clearly an act of personal revenge," claims Divine, who said he plans to file a discrimination suit against Judasson and the paper.

Other reporters at LP, overcoming their natural tendency to do no useful work, stepped above the fray and delved deeper into the motives behind the censorship. Their tireless efforts, which involved a few minutes of rifling around on Judasson's desk while he was in the bathroom, uncovered a fax sent Monday morning from the Doughnut and Other Fried Delicacy Marketing Association, threatening a lawsuit if the piece were not pulled. "Doughnuts were portrayed in a most unflattering light in the piece," alleged the author of the fax, DOFDMA head counsel Hugh Djass. "We're tired of people confusing doughnuts with bodily orifices and intend to sue the pants off anyone who dares demean the noble doughnut." When contacted by LP staff, Djass also noted that the fact that it was a library publication played a role in their demand to have the piece censored. "Libraries are a key marketing target for the DOFDMA," he noted.

Judasson himself has no comment, and chooses not to reveal the content of the banished piece.

Tenure for Librarians Called Sham

2006-09-27T23:29:00.000-05:00

In an inflammatory speech at the 13th annual Academic Librarians Conference in Fargo, North Dakota, Derek Habrecht of the American Association of Professors called for the abolition of tenure for librarians. "99% of them don't conduct publishable research or teach credit courses, so they turn their jobs, meetings, and conference travel into a basis for tenure," noted Habrecht, much to the chagrin of the attendees. Contrary to expectations, the librarians in attendance did not attempt to refute Habrecht's claims, instead offering shrill arguments about how librarians "deserve" to be treated as equals, despite the fact that what they do has little to do with what the remainder of the faculty does nor do they need the protection of academic freedom to conduct unpopular research or teach controversial courses.

Our LP reporter in attendance noted that many in attendance were, however, not shocked nor dismayed by Habrecht's assertions. "Among teaching faculty, the stereotype of the tenured professor resting on his or her laurels is largely a myth," claimed Selma Vertrauen, "people who have built their professional lives on productivity just don't shut down like that." She added that most tenured faculty she knows publish at a greater rate than untenured faculty. Her colleague George Parker chimed in, laughing about "the many tenured librarians he knows who do little discernible work ... simply biding their time, spouting jargon, acting important, dressing the part, but totally out of touch with the actual operation of the library." Yet, such faculty cannot be fired nor demoted, since they are protected by the "shield of tenure."

Other librarians noted the enormous waste of time spent on tenure deliberations at academic libraries with faculty librarians. "The quality of a library has absolutely nothing to do with the status of its librarians," asserts Jan Paca, a librarian sans tenure, "so why do those libraries waste inordinate amounts of time on such things." Habrecht, when confronted with this argument during the Q&A, enthusiastically agreed, noting "that no library will see its share of the budget increase, so efficiency will become more important as material costs increase."

Librarians Exposed as Non-Experts

2006-09-08T09:34:00.000-05:00

Librarians at Midstate State University are at best rank amateurs when it comes to searching for information, a recent study shows. The study, initiated by a member of the Midstate library faculty, assessed the ability of librarians to find information in the library catalog, a subject database, and Google. "Not surprisingly, perhaps," noted Barry Murphy, the author of the study, "librarians scored lower than a control group composed of students, teaching faculty, and baristas from the library cafe." Murphy cooked up the study after becoming aggravated with the number of librarians who came to him with asinine requests for assistance with tools they should have mastered when still in library school. "We do call the discipline 'library science,' after all," he said, "one can only hope that, say, chemists are more skilled in their techniques than we are as a group."

Not only were most librarians unable to construct complex queries in the catalog to locate electronic journals in a given discipline, among other tasks, only 19% of the test subjects knew that Google can phrase search, while a meager 9% could construct a Google query restricting the results to a specific domain. "Catastrophically bad is how I would describe their skill with subject databases," laments Murphy. An overwhelming majority of librarians could not perform much more than a basic search in their "core" databases. "There's a saying in libraries that only librarians like to search, users like to find," quipped Murphy, while his study showed that a more correct phrasing would be that librarians search and users find. "Thank god we're not making much money, or our users would sue us for malpractice."

Dept Head Lets Things Slide, Feels No Shame

2006-09-07T11:34:00.000-05:00

Equidalia F. Caballus, titular head of Reference and Instruction Services at Midstate State U., recently found her efficacy called into question. Some within her supervisory purview demanded to know why few projects ever moved beyond discussion to action. Displaying either a shocking lack of care for her reputation or a new pinnacle of managerial transparency, Caballus responded, "I get distracted by the latest brush fire and let things slide. This annoys people, understandably, who are tired of waiting for things to happen and changes to be made. Then I forget about it. When will [I] finally follow through on something? Well, I am going to invest some thought and planning into that."

Following her startling revelation, Caballus proposed a meeting to discuss a model for getting things done, to be followed by another meeting to discuss things to which the model could be applied. Unfortunately, she was distracted by something shiny on the floor under her desk before she was able to schedule the meetings. Rendered speechless by frustration, no one from the Reference and Instruction Services department was available for comment.

Members of the Public to Create Library Subject Guides

2006-09-05T18:31:00.000-05:00

Ida Dipstick, AD for Public Services at Midwestern State University, made the decision Thursday to "outsource" the creation of library subject guides meant to direct students to quality information resources. "We're a public institution, so I don't see why citizens of our great state shouldn't be asked to contribute to creating guides in subject areas in which they consider themselves competent," Dipstick told LP. "After all, who's to say who's expert at anything."

The new scheme will allow members of the public to add resources Wiki-style to the guides. Dipstick pointed out that the program will serve multiple purposes. "Not only will our citizens feel valued and students will have better access to quality, scholarly resources but we can take those snotty subject specialists down a few notches," she said, licking her flaccid lips in satisfaction. "If enough armchair psychologists and history buffs get on board, I can think of two people's salaries we can put into the new free foot massage program. It's been a big hit with students you know."

Thirty-Year Shelving Veteran Taken For Vagrant

2006-09-05T01:12:00.000-05:00

Barton Applethwaite

Struwwelpeter

Big State University found itself slapped with a lawsuit after a library security officer evicted a man he believed to be a vagrant from the third-floor stacks of Main Library. Security personnel had been receiving periodic complaints from freaked-out students about a man resembling Rumpelstiltskin roaming the stacks since the early 1980s and assumed the complaints were an elaborate legacy prank. Gary Blowhard, head of security at Main Library, told LP that rumors about the disheveled wildman had been circulating for as long as he could remember. "Angry dwarves frequenting the sub-basement, stapler attacks in the second-floor ladies room, public sex in the back stairs, and the cock-and-bull story about the wildman in the stacks -- students will say just about anything to force us to put down our pizza slice, turn off our portable TV, and send us on a wild goose chase around the library. So forgive us if we didn't take the reports seriously right away."

It was only when Manfred Futterknecht, a German exchange student who had only been at Big State for three days, shot out of the stacks area sputtering something about "ein Mann der wie Struwwelpeter ausschaut" before he ran shrieking from the library that action was finally taken. The security officer on duty, a former German major familiar with the Struwwelpeter story, made the connection between Futterknecht's description and reports of the Rumpelstiltskinesque stacks lurker.

Armed with bear spray he had left in his backpack after a weekend of camping, the officer headed to the rarely frequented German literature section of the stacks only to run smack dab into a man he believed to be a vagrant fitting Futterknecht's description. The man was shuffling around the area with a book cart muttering to himself. When the security officer asked what business he had in the library, the man proceeded to curse and rush at the officer with the cart. Only after rendering the man defenseless with the bear spray and ejecting him and his cart from the library did the officer notice the staff ID on his crumpled flannel shirt. The officer immediately called Blowhard to the scene.

"That's when I knew we were in deep doo-doo," confessed Blowhard. "When I got a good look, I realized the poor blighter was Barton Applethwaite, a long-time library employee and shop steward of Shelvers' Union 802." Although he had worked for the shelving unit for over thirty years, no one in the library knew what Applethwaite actually did or had seen him in the building for over three years. "We just assumed that he quit coming in after collecting his $75 gift card at the employee anniversary event in 2003," another library staffer confided on condition of anonymity, "apparently he didn't spend it on personal care products." Applethwaite's lawsuit points to iron-clad protections built into shelvers' contracts against any sort of hygienic totalitarianism.

Carcel U. Library Proactively Protects its Rare Materials in the Open Stacks

2006-09-01T12:05:00.000-05:00

Carcel U. Library, long known as being in the forefront of library technology, has announced an ambitious program to “unlock” its untold treasures shelved in the open stacks of its main libraries. Over the decades bibliographers and curators have identified materials that became rare after they were acquired and placed uncataloged into pamphlet boxes. These include rare autograph manuscripts of historical personages, early modern imprints, and assorted memorabilia and realia. Heretofore curators in the rare book room have combed the catalog and central stacks, auction catalogs in hand, to identify materials that need protection. But of late they have been too busy authoring contributions to symposia and mentoring younger colleagues to continue this arduous bibliographical task.

“Selectors in the main library are those who know the collections best,” said Associate Director for Technical Services Kathy Schlesinger in the absence of Library Director Ellen Wunderland and Associate Director for Collections May Chestnut, who were both away giving papers at IFLA. “So we have decided to make them responsible for identifying items that merit special protection. Henceforth, whenever a valuable item goes missing from a pamphlet box, we will dismiss the relevant selector for mismanagement. And if the selector is unable to identify what was in the pamphlet box (some are now empty), then we will dismiss him or her anyway. One of our selectors for modern literature has assured us that this would encourage the others.”

Calls to selectors in Carcel U. Library’s central building have gone unanswered.

Librarians Meet To Discuss Fate of Fired Coworker's Nameplate

2006-08-23T10:46:00.000-05:00

Hampson University's main library's reference department was forced to convene a rather grim meeting this week. The topic of discussion was what to do with the plastic embossed nameplate of their coworker, Frank Mencino, who was summarily dismissed for alleged gross incompetence nearly two years ago. "It's really sad," opined Dr. Robert S. Hotsypants, a reference librarian and bibliographer at Hampson's Kresge Memorial Library. "Frank came here so long ago he had one of those old-school nameplates. The kind you don't see anymore. The kind with the metallic rim around it. From the days when being a reference librarian actually meant something, was something to be proud of. Now all we do is fill the photocopier with paper and hand over recycled pencils and the stapler. And tell folks where the bathroom is. It's probably just as well poor Frank isn't around to see what's become of reference at this place."

Asked what was the likely fate of the venerated nameplate, Hotsypants grew indignant. "Part of me wants to hang it around my neck as a pendant or pin it to my lapel like a badge, a show of solidarity with the guy. After all, he was no worse than any of us--he was just unlucky enough to get caught being bad at his job. Another part of me wants to slit our incompetent and cowardly UL's throat with that nice sharp metallic rim. I don't know. We'll never reach consensus if we actually start serious discussions about it. It'll probably just sit there gathering dust like all the other crap in the reference office, including the reference librarians themselves--those of us who are still here, that is."

Librarian's Complaints About Supervisor Rebuffed

2006-08-14T10:56:00.000-05:00

A disgruntled librarian's complaints about his supervisor have gone unheeded for twelve years, LP reporters heard. "That fucking bitch. I have been complaining and complaining to the head of Catalog Management, documenting her abuse with a paper trail as long as our backlog for twelve years now, and nothing has happened. Each time, the head of CM says, 'I'm handling it. She's gonna be forced to retire, don't worry, just hang in there.' Bullshit. I finally got desperate and phoned up HR. The head of HR just told me in our meeting today that this is the first she's heard of the situation! Un-fucking-believable," said Dr. Robert S. Hotsypants, Slavic American Catalog Librarian at Hampson University.

The list of abuses Hotsypants claims to have documented include his boss's swearing over routine tasks like cataloging microfilm, swearing at how long a pdf file takes to load to her desktop, and swearing over having to fill out one-page employee assessment forms for her two underlings each year. "She also slams drawers, weeps uncontrollably, and throws things a lot," added Hotsypants. "She is mean and hateful. And incompetent, of course. Should have been removed 30 years ago."

Asked how such blatant infractions of appropriate professional conduct could have gone unreported to the higher-ups for so long, the University Librarian, Janet Waleblubbar, was dismissive. "It wouldn't have made any difference if we had known about it. Hotsypants is only a Librarian III, you see, but his supervisor is a Librarian V. She has been here 30 years; he has only been here 12. By the very nature of her seniority she can't be wrong, or 'abusive' [here she made sarcastic air-quotes] or whatever it is he claims she is, now can she? No, she's here to stay, and she's a highly valued employee, I might add, whatever her 'behavior' or 'abilities' [more air quotes]. Hotsypants can choose to take it or leave it, and I recommend he keep his mouth shut in the future if he knows what's good for him."

Librarian in Therapy After Witnessing Mass Gluttony

2006-07-31T12:11:00.000-05:00

An unnamed librarian in the Seattle Public Library system has resorted to therapy after witnessing the carnage unleashed by a free dessert bar at the recent National Library Conference, according to a colleague who wished to remain anonymous. "She's really a very stable, normally empathetic person who simply saw something that pushed her over some previously unexplored edge," said her colleague, adding "it must have been truly hellish."

The event itself was yet another self-congratulatory event sponsored by the library vendor Adlexia, marking its takeover of a smaller, more innovative firm. After discussing various ways to outdraw competing events at the NLC, Adlexia hit upon the surefire draw of a free dessert bar, featuring everything from a variety of cheesecakes to a full sundae bar. Security working the door at the event described the crush before the doors opened as worse than anything they had witnessed at any rock concert. One visibly shaken yet large and burly young man said he still suffers from nightmares involving large masses of librarian flesh. As Adlexia had hoped, the response was enormous, with only crumbs and sticky plates left behind when the event drew to an end.

The Seattle librarian was overcome as she nipped at a small piece of cheesecake. "It was surreal, if you shut your eyes, you could literally hear the gnashing and smacking of thousands of greedy lips and teeth; it was like a feed trough." Worse, she said, "I had my eyes open most of the time," which allowed her to see that the most greedy consumers were those who hardly needed dessert at all. "Don't talk to me about 'hormonal' challenges when you're scarfing down 1200 calories of fat and sugar while wearing something I could use as a tent," she reflects. Overcoming the urge to knock plates out of hands and begin screaming at people, she simply ran to the exit, weeping. Afterward, she was so repulsed by the sight of desserts that she decided that therapy was necessary.

"Sure," she concluded the interview, "Adlexia should be ashamed for essentially behaving like a crack dealer, but how can these people stand being a living caricature?"

Mysterious Shanty Appears at NLC

2006-07-27T13:05:00.000-05:00

New Orleans--June 2006. Amid the hundreds of properly-registered publishers' exhibit booths at this year's National Library Conference, an interloper appeared. Lane Bryant, the "big girls'" clothing store, snuck in a little shanty that was only visible and accessible to librarians standing on line for foot-long chili dogs at the convention center's Bayou Grille, LP reporters heard. "I couldn't believe my luck," crowed Tabitha Wirthog, a public librarian from Alabama. "There I was, about to have my third lunch of the day, feeling frustrated and angry with myself for not making time to go shopping for a new muu-muu, when lo and behold, a Lane Bryant pops out of nowhere. I was like a pig in shit. Literally!"

Asked how they managed to get past security, Lane Bryant shanty manager Ruth Hindenburg said, "I just gave the cop a doughnut, and he winked at me and shooed me and my crew right in. Easy." When LP reporters expressed concern that bringing Lane Bryant to NLC might have been an unhealthy, "enabling" move for this dysfunctional, already-hefty audience, Hindenburg replied, "It's not like they're gonna get thin if there isn't a Lane Bryant booth, right? Plus, we were only playing to those who had no hope of resisting--that was the genius of hiding ourselves out of the way near the foot-long stand."

Trouble Under The Big Top: Muu-Muu Approach to Librarianship Takes a Hit

2006-07-20T11:09:00.000-05:00

New Oreans--June 2006. LP reporters attending the Annual Meeting of the National Library Conference this week heard complaints about the "one-size-fits-all" approach to librarianship the NLC delivers. "I mean, it's like the whole profession is wearing a muu-muu now, figuratively speaking, not just the public librarians," groused Dr. Robert S. Hotsypants, Journalism Librarian for Hampson University. "Why is there so little programming of interest to the smart people around here? The academic librarians, I mean. It's all Young Adult this and Reader's Advisory that. Instead of eating [candy] bars, NLC should be raising the bar. And who gives a shit about a bookmobile? The guys who run those things are all chicken-fucking hippie-dippies. South Park got that right. Did they ever."

Asked what he recommends, Hotsypants grew impatient, "Just fire all the fat, stupid mediocrities. Or send them to Jenny Craig. I'm sick to death of being smothered every time I get on an elevator at one of these events. I keep thinking, God, what if we get stuck between floors? Then I'll suffocate and they'll start eating my flesh just like that Latin American soccer team in Alive. I just can't help believing that if we were a leaner profession, we'd be a smarter profession. But I'm sure that's too much to ask."

Asst. Prof Demands Amusement from Librarians

2006-07-19T20:51:00.000-05:00

Dr. Luise Scholastica, new joint hire in Women's Studies, Asian Literature, and Icelandic History has recently been demanding that librarians craft and deliver short stories for her amusement. "I can't be bothered to write funny things myself," she huffed from her small but carefully appointed private office. "I'm far too taxed detailing the fictionalization of spouses of members of the Althing in Japenese literature during the years following the devastation of the Askja volcano eruption. Why, that's all of three stories, and it's on top of my two course teaching load! With only two GTAs assigned to me for grading, there's just no time left for recreational writing."

Scholastica paused to accept an iced espresso and a blackberry scone delivered by one of her grad students, and then continued, "What good are librarians, anyway, if they can't make me laugh? I was having them do little dances and plays outside my window, but their dean said that was 'demeaning'." She leaned forward in her chair, brushed at invisible crumbs of scone, and aligned a small stack of notes with the edge of her desk. "Demeaning! Talk about demeaning - she's the dean of libraries."

Librarians Put The "Big" Back in Big Easy

2006-07-19T14:21:00.000-05:00

New Orleans--June 2006. A group of librarians really "got down" at the AntiQuest/National Library Conference Scholarship Bash on Saturday night at the Annual Meeting of NLC. As renowned folk singer Mary Chapin Carpenter belted out her catchy tunes, a group of about 40 three-hundred-pound bespectacled librarians stormed the stage to form the chubbiest kickline ever!

The inspiration for this frumpy Large-Marge Can-Can was one librarian camp-follower in particular--identified to LP reporters only as "Bertha"--who apparently attends every one of Carpenter's performances. Brandishing a glowing plastic pink flamingo that she stole from the set of one of Carpenter's music videos, this fatty lept into action when Carpenter noticed the prop and commented on it and its thieving owner as part of her witty running commentary to her audience. No sooner had Carpenter acknowledged Bertha's presence than the groupie began a literal stampede of these heifers, a commotion that quickly upstaged and unsettled Carpenter.

A sales rep for AntiQuest--a man who witnessed the display but declined to state his name--expressed embarrassment for the librarians. "I mean, it was fun and all, but I think it was a bit much. Some of them weren't wearing any underwear beneath their floral muu-muus, after all. Don't get me wrong: I'm all for jiggling flesh. But there are limits. These weren't exactly The Rockettes, if you catch my drift. And poor Mary Chapin Carpenter didn't know what hit her. One minute she's the center of attention, riding the wave, and the next she's just background music for a dancing hippo act. Oh well, I guess these gals probably don't get out much, so, more power to 'em."

Queen Tribute Band Inspires Librarian to New Career

2006-07-19T11:08:00.000-05:00

Jaundice as Mercurie with bandmate Brian Maybe

Gerald Jaundice, Curator of Shakespeare's First Folio at Maxwell House Research Library, experienced an epiphany during his recent trip to England. After failing to be admitted to Duke Marmaduke's Library at Drawbridge University, which boasts the largest number of first folio holdings in the world, Jaundice pronounced himself ripe for a career change. "It makes no difference to the trolls guarding the entrance to the reading rooms that without the findings of *my* seminal dissertation, the number of first folios at Drawbridge would still be off by two." Jaundice had visited Duke Marmaduke's 134 times in the previous 11 years in connection with his research, and nary a library employee came to his aid. The slap in the face stung all the more when the "troll" on duty informed Jaundice that he could tour Duke Marmaduke's along with the rest of the tourists at 10am and 2pm for a fee of 14 pounds.

By pure coincidence, mere hours later Jaundice stumbled across inspiration for a new career. Pealing out of Drawbridge in a rage, he found himself in the crusty industrial port city of Archbishop's Lynn. Walking the streets in search of food, he heard the strains of "Radio Ga Ga" wafting from the direction of the Market Square. "It was like a siren's call," Jaundice rhapsodized. Upon reaching the Square, he discovered Killer Queen, a tribute band playing to a throng of 35 middle-aged , working class Brits swilling beer from cans and smoking cheap cigarettes. Hypnotized by the gyrating hips and swaying hands of the concert-goers during the group's rendition of "Fat-Bottomed Girls," Jaundice knew that he had discovered his true calling. "With my operatic voice," he boasted, stroking his moustache (a la the construction worker from the Village People), "all that was missing from my 'Freddy Mercurie' was fake teeth, a unitard, an ermine-lined cape and crown, and of course three bozos in wigs with instruments to back me up," he proudly told LP. Jaundice has already lined up a defector who used to play Joey Ramone in a Ramones tribute band as his "Brian Maybe."

"Screw Maxwell House and Duke Marmaduke's Library!" crowed Jaundice. "I've found a rewarding career that will allow me to enjoy just as many fat-bottomed people as when I was a librarian."

Librarian injured in flight from own shadow

2006-07-18T21:09:00.000-05:00

Pandora "Pansie" Montgomery, bibliographer for Juvenile Literature, American Poetry, and Library Science at ThirdTier U., cracked her left femur Thursday as she ran in fright from her own shadow. "I just didn't expect it to be there," she whispered from her hospital bed, "usually it's darkish in that area of the stacks. But I came around the corner and it leapt at me from the wall. I lost my head and just ran. I don't remember much after that." Coworkers found Pansie tangled in an upturned book truck, weeping softly so as not to disturb nearby patrons. "This isn't the first time her shadow has spooked her, but it's the first time she's actually been hurt. Usually, we just find her huddled under a table in the conference room, and we can coax her out with a girl scout cookie," reported a longtime coworker. "I do love my Lemon Pastry Creams," Pansie sighed, "they're so much more agreeable than those aggressive Thin Mints."

Determined as always to find a silver lining, Pansie is busily planning a Shadow Awareness campaign from her hospital bed. Table tents and signage warning patrons of shadow-prone areas are in the works. "I'm happy to have had this happen to me, if by my example I can keep even one patron safe," mumbled Penny, eyes firmly locked on the floor just to the left of her bed.

The true silver lining may be that although Pansie was hurt, her injuries could have been far worse, according to a coworker first on the scene. "Her wrist was completely pinned under the loaded book truck, and we thought it was crushed. Turns out, it was more like rubber than bone, too limp to break."

LP Blasted by Conservative Library Journal

2006-07-18T13:35:00.000-05:00

Library Pariah, which as any reader knows strives to give a balanced view of the library world, has come under attack in the latest issue of ConLib: A Journal for Misguided Librarians. Calling LP "the usual liberal effluence one expects from a bunch of porn peddlers," ConLib attacks the notion that there is anything funny, humorous, or worthy of ridicule in the library world. Noting--yet failing to explain--the significant role that libraries have to play in the so-called war on terror, ConLib's editors contend that "printing drivel such as that found in LP" only serves to "encourage terrorists" and provide them with "ideological weapons" to support terrorist claims that American society is sick and diseased.

LP refuses to take such criticism in stride, and issued a swift rebuttal, noting that American society truly is sick and twisted, that we should be proud of this since it makes life interesting, and that if anything we write does indeed influence terrorists or terrorism, that it would be the first case of anything written in the library literature actually affecting anything beyond a library's walls.

Laura Bush Stripped of Credentials

2006-04-24T22:50:00.000-05:00

The American Association of Libraries has for the first time in its history invoked its power to revoke a librarian's right to bear the title of librarian. The catalyst for this decision was the recent renewal of the Patriot Act, a piece of legislation reviled by librarians since it undermines freedoms one would have thought were enshrined in the Constitution.

Asked why, after six years of Bush II's regime, the AAL felt moved to remove Laura Bush from the rolls of librarians, a spokesperson noted that "six years of cogent argumentation and lobbying have failed miserably, apparently since librarians do not form part of the ruling cadre's funding base," leaving the organization only "symbolic gestures that at least allow us to express our outrage." Laura Bush has used her former career--it is worth noting that she only briefly worked as a librarian--to run cover for her husband's lack of intellect. "We're sick of watching her say how much she and George know about children and education because of her 'career' as a librarian," noted the spokesperson.

A small but noisy and quite annoying cadre of Republican librarians protested the action, saying it represented the AAL's conspiracy to censor and suppress conservative voices. When asked about the Patriot Act and the Bush administration's hostility toward educational and cultural programs, many of these ConLibs pointed out that the country is at war, so questioning the President is unseemly. When pressed for more, our LP reporter was confronted with braying and mooing.

Fancy Librarian Can't Face Applying to Shit School After All

2006-03-21T18:41:00.000-06:00

Hampson University's Librarian for Romance Languages and Literatures, Dr. Robert S. Hotsypants, was in the news again today. Apparently he has decided that he'd rather eat shit than be it-- i.e., work for Eastern Bodega College as an AUL for Information Services. "It's simply not worth it. That rinky-dink little library run by a white-haired whale in a muumuu. I'm sure she's very nice, but . . . " he intoned sarcastically. "Disgusting. I'd sooner be a secretary. I couldn't even bring myself to apply, actually. Just wretched. Especially coming from Hampson. How could I ever forgive myself for even thinking of such a move? I must have been out of my mind."

Asked if any of the issues at Hampson Library had been resolved to make such a move less appealing, Hotsypants waxed nostalgic, "As dysfunctional as this place is, at least I'm used to it. You know? Like a pair of comfy old shoes so beat up you can see your toes wiggling inside them. I've almost stopped noticing that nothing works around here, that everyone's miserable, that we have no leadership--just bullying--that we're paid next to nothing, that five percent of us do a hundred percent of the work while everyone else pretends they're out sick or at some meeting, that the faculty either ignore us or treat us like sales help. And in any case, who said things are better anywhere else? Yep. I'm here to stay."

English Department Head Doesn't Give Rat's Ass About Library Instruction

2006-02-28T09:54:00.000-06:00

Hampson University's Chair of English, Lindesay Langwill, doesn't give a shit about library instruction for undergraduates or graduate students, LP reporters heard. "I don't give a rat's ass, as they say," said Langwill. "Who cares if the students know how to use the library? They'll figure it out, or they won't. The important thing is that they read my coursepack and absorb the pearls of wisdom that issue from my mouth day in and day out. And by the way I'm sick and tired of those fat-ass librarians always glorifying their own importance as though they have a teaching function at this place. They mop the floors, educationally speaking--we teach, thank you very much."

The so-called conversation about library instruction that led to Langwill's dismissive commentary was begun by librarians concerned about the rise in amazing stupidity they witness each day at the Reference Desk. "I mean, you'd think these kids were a buncha retards, with the questions they ask. It's not just 'Where's the bathroom?' anymore, but 'How do I look up a book in the catalog?' or 'Do you have any newspapers online?' Really basic shit like that," said Dr. Robert S. Hotsypants, Librarian for Journalism and Theater Studies at Hampson.

"Well, if the faculty doesn't give a rat's ass then neither do I," added Hotsypants. "I get paid the same either way, so fuck 'em."

Aging Adjunct, Still Waiting for Ship to Come In, Pooh-Poohs Librarianship

2006-02-23T16:13:00.000-06:00

A long-term adjunct at Central Snotrag State University at Buttplug still believes he's a viable candidate for a tenure-track job after all these years. "Okay, so I've been an adjunct for going on 10 years. So have lots of folks. I've got my PhD, 2 books, 25 articles, and 5 post-doctoral fellowships under my belt. It's sure to be only a matter of days now. Why admit defeat when I'm just getting warmed up? Why, I can practically hear the phone ringing right now!" said "Old Joe" Loman--his nickname among CSSU's permanent English Department faculty.

"I may be only a part-timer, and I may make only $8000 a year for teaching my 15 courses when everyone else here gets at least $50k for 4 courses, but I'm finally hitting my stride. And heck, at least I'm not some lame-ass tutor over in the Writing Center--or worse, one of those pooped-on librarians over at Kresge [CSSU's undergraduate library]. Now there you've got a serious case of low-man-on-the-totem-pole syndrome. How do they even manage to get themselves out of bed in the morning? Why, I'd feel better about my contribution to this place if I were cleaning animal cages than being forced to shush people and move books from shelf to shelf all day--or whatever the hell it is they do. They sure are shit. Jesus. How can they stand themselves." Here Loman just shook his head in amazement. "Nope, I can feel it. That tenure-track job is just around the corner. Has been all along."

"'Has-been all along,' indeed," retorted Library Pariah's DIVINE.

Prestigious Faculty Member Reveals Gaping Maw of Ignorance

2006-02-23T09:26:00.000-06:00

At a very clubbable Fellows' Evening at one of Hampson University's undergraduate colleges, the Master of Trybad College, Armando Suarez, a full Professor of Spanish and Portuguese, revealed the narrow scope of his general knowledge last night. "It's something you really hope isn't the case--faculty ignorance--but it just keeps cropping up everywhere you look," said Dr. Robert S. Hotsypants, Librarian for Journalism and Theater Studies at Hampson University.

It all began when Hotsypants, a longtime Fellow of Trybad College, introduced his friend, Dr. Gordon Cohen, to Professor Suarez. Cohen is an expert on James Boswell, the famous diarist and biographer of Dr. Samuel Johnson. When Cohen mentioned that he worked on Boswell, Suarez replied, "Oh yes, I've read Boswell--in that lovely multivolume California edition."

Awkward as it was, Cohen felt it his duty to correct Suarez, "I believe you're thinking of Samuel Pepys. The Latham and Matthews edition from California. Pepys is earlier--17th century--and English. Boswell is 18th century, and a Scot. But yes, they were both great diarists."

Red-faced, Suarez turned on his heel and greeted other guests.

Taminella Poisoning

2006-02-21T16:05:00.000-06:00

A library school faculty member looks an awful lot like Taminella, the evil queen from the Muppet Frog Prince, LP reporters heard. And apparently there's more to it than that.

Poinsettia Shrill was lecturing to her class in her usual strident manner at the Flatulent State School of Library and Information Science on Monday when a student noticed the striking resemblance. "It was uncanny," said Bethann Hopkins. "It just hit me like a ton of bricks--maybe because Shrill looks and moves like a ton of bricks. She even walks around with that same weird cane with the glass orb on it that Queen Taminella had. So I thought, I gotta call Library Pariah about this!"

But no sooner had the student left her seat than Shrill--you guessed it--cast a spell on her, giving her a nasty speech impediment. All Hopkins could manage to say after this, until an LP reporter deciphered her message and acted on it, was "Bake the hall in the candle of her brain."

Thankfully, the LP reporter in question had seen the Muppet Frog Prince recently and remembered that to break the witch's spell you have to literally break the ball in the handle of her cane. Once we did this, Shrill immediately became transformed back into the ugly hag she had been before assuming her evil professorship at the library pogrom--er, program--and ran screaming from the classroom in shame.

Library Comes Clean and Advertises for Selector for Offsite Storage

2006-02-17T16:45:00.000-06:00

In a refreshing gesture of candor, Big State University AUL for Public Services Hortense Grindstone made the landmark decision to advertise for a Selector for Offsite Storage to replace Horace Winthrop, Bibliographer for English Literature. "I decided it was time to cut the crap," said Grindstone to LP. "We've been through eight sniveling English literature 'subject specialists' in the last two years, and I'm sick of it. All that whining about using their subject expertise to build the collection and provide services to the largest department on campus. I want someone who is willing to work themselves raw carting all those dessicated print volumes off to our offsite storage facility and doesn't give a toss about accessibility." Among the qualifications listed for the position were the strength and smarts of Conan (the Barbarian, not O'Brien) and ability to operate a forklift.

Winthrop told LP that he barely escaped the job at Big State with his life. "I tried to fulfill Ms. Grindstone's monthly offsite goal of 10,000 volumes a month, but I just couldn't keep up. On top of that, the English Department faculty were complaining that not only was their collection disappearing into a black hole, but also that I had no time to buy new material or offer research assistance to students [both of which, he pointed out, were prominently listed in his job description at Big State]. Between angry faculty members and old Grindstone and her minions, I felt like I had a lynch mob after me all the time." The last straw for Winthrop was showing up at work to find a dump truck parked under fire escape door in the stacks where the English literature collection is housed. Seeing Grindstone and her hangers-on hurling armloads of books into the truck destined for Big State's offsite storage facility 120 miles away was more than he could bear. "That's when I told that old douchebag that I was out of there and that she should find some other dolt to act as a selector for offsite storage," Winthrop said. "You could almost see a dim bulb flicker over her head." At the conclusion of his interview, Winthrop wanted to set the record straight for all of those who felt that his new position as a Cataloging, Circulation, and Reference Librarian at Anthill Community College was a come-down from his position at Big State. "I do miss the fancy hors d'oeuvres at donor events, but at least now I know no one is going to do a hatchet-job on me in my sleep."

When Grindstone heard what Winthrop had to say, her flaccid face contorted to resemble that of the infamous Dolores Umbridge of the Harry Potter series. "What a whiner," she snarled. "It's not as if I made him repeatedly carve 'I must not covet books' into the back of his hand, though that would have given him something to remember me by. Frankly, advertising for a Selector for Offsite Storage is the best idea I've ever had."

Sadistic AUL is Dead Ringer for Hattie Dorsett

2006-02-16T14:23:00.000-06:00

Remember the 1976 made-for-tv movie Sybil? With Sally Field? Who could forget.

Well, what you may not remember is the actress who played Sybil's mother, Hattie Dorsett. Her name is Martine Bartlett, pictured above.

Now it just so happens that Hampson University has an Associate University Librarian, Mareka Rzepka, who seems to have been brought there straight from Sybil's own Willow Corners, Wisconsin! Complete with nightmarish gray hair bun.

Not only does the AUL look exactly like Sybil's mother as played by Bartlett, she is even given to repeating--would it be too much to say chanelling?--Bartlett's disturbing lines to her staff. As one Hampson librarian, speaking on condition of anonymity, observed, "It's truly frightening. Rzepka has the same sardonic facial expressions, maniacal laughter, apparently motiveless tears (of anger--of joy???) [as Dorsett], and even brandishes the same creative weaponry: This morning I saw her leave her office for a meeting. You won't believe this, but she was actually carrying a button hook, a green kitchen lamp with a blinding 200 watt bulb ablaze in it, a sawed-off broomstick, and dish towels."

Yesterday LP reporters heard Rzepka say, before assaulting one of her direct reports who was cowering before her with her arms shielding her face, "Don't worry. I'm not gonna hit ya. This time I'm only gonna kick ya." Apparently the trigger this time was the direct report's failure to ask permission before tacking an aluminum-foil-covered star she made to the reference desk bulletin board.

When the hobbled direct report began trying to crawl away, dragging her crumpled legs behind her, Dorsett--er--Rzepka, said, while swaying back and forth mock-playfully, twirling her finger in her muumuu, and chomping on a candy cane, "You're so cute when you try and get away. Scuttling sideways like that. Just like a little crab."

Later, when in a calmer moment the direct report drew a nice picture for her AUL, all Rzepka had to say, while smashing her underling's "colors" (the Reference Department's babytalk word for Crayons) underfoot, was, "Who ever heard of a green chicken with purple feet?"

When a patron came by the reference desk asking where the bathroom was, Rzepka turned on her, too. She sat down at a nearby piano, began pounding out Dvorak's New World Symphony, and shrieked, "You hold your water till the very last note!!!!"

Presentation Imperils Library Staff

2006-02-16T12:23:00.000-06:00

Special Assistant Librarian for Associated Activities Larry Longwind was back in the news yesterday as a staff meeting turned dangerous. As the result of a clerical error, Longwind was allotted a full fifteen minutes on the agenda to discuss current projects related, primarily, to increasing his overseas travel opportunities. At seven minutes in, Longwind's droning voice induced narcoleptic fits in multiple staffers. Just past the twelve minute mark, Longwind appeared to solicit commentary from Hortense Babbler, saying that she could "take up the entire agenda to talk about dirt varieties in formerly communist countries". Since Babbler is second only to Longwind himself in her ability to "tell a tale", this gesture incited near panic in those who remained conscious. Luckily, Babbler's comments were put off to a later meeting as Longwind failed to actually yield the floor to her, much to the relief of a circulation staffer with real work to do who had begun to gnaw her way through the meeting room door. "I felt like a rat in a trap," she commented, "desperate, smelly, and riddled with vermin. Larry has a way of doing that to you."

As the fifteen minute allotment passed with nary a vocal inflection or salient point to be found, several librarians began striking themselves about the head with notepads, scratching at their wrists with office keys, and poking at their eyes with sharpened #2 pencils. Fortunately, Longwind wrapped up his program before serious self-mutilation could occur. After the meeting, CAT scans were ordered for all in attendance, to make certain permanent brain damage had not been done. In an attempt to avoid similar danger in the future, the large meeting room is being fitted with multiple emergency buttons to simultaneously summon rescue personnel, set off the sprinkler system, and deliver a brief "knock-out" bolt of electricity to the presentation mouse.

Fancy Librarian Steps Down--Right Into Pile of Dogshit

2006-02-14T09:38:00.000-06:00

An Ivy League Librarian, embittered at being passed over for promotion--from Head of the Mesopotamian Catalog Team and Acting Curator to Curator of the Mesopotamian Collection, Hampson University--decided to step down this week. "I couldn't take it anymore," said Ralph Nablow, the librarian in question. "After all I've done for them, they hire some library newbie because he is Mesopotamian--oh, excuse me, I mean Aramaean; shame on me. I'm the one who's been visiting Mesopotamia on buying trips all these years since the previous Curator retired. Plus single-handedly running our catalog unit, supervising a buncha Bozos. So I decided they don't deserve me and I'm stepping down." Unfortunately, as LP reporters heard, where Nablow stepped when he stepped down wasn't quite so nice.

"Okay, I admit it. It was into a pile of dogshit. One pile in particular, actually: the Cirencester Athenaeum and Sawmill Free Public Library. Basically a glorified local public library in the poorest state in the Union. But at least I'm Director there. That'll teach those a-holes at Hampton a thing or two. Aramaean, indeed!"

One Hundredth False Alarm Leads to Deadly Blaze

2006-02-14T09:13:00.000-06:00

17 March 2006. It happened again. This morning's fire alarm in Hampson University's Sage Memorial Library--the one-hundredth such false alarm in only two years--was apparently triggered by maintenance work on a steam line feeding the basement. Only this time, one librarian wasn't going to just lie there and take it. "It was twenty-five below zero out there. I had just run to work on foot for a nine a.m. meeting, and the minute I get warm and settled at the table the fire alarm goes off, sending us back out into the bitter cold," said Dr. Robert S. Hotsypants, Journalism librarian at Hampson University. "So I figured this time I'd really give 'em something to cry about. I went down into Cataloging and set fifteen waste baskets on fire with my butane lighter when no one was looking. Easy. Then left the building with the herd, rolling my eyes and shaking my head at everyone I saw--to look extra convincing."

Sage burned to the ground and an as-yet-undisclosed number of firefighters died trying to douse the flames, which quickly spread from the Catalog department throughout the library. "It's the price you pay," sighed Hotsypants nonchalantly. "That'll teach those fools to set off alarms in subzero temperatures when nothing's wrong. Happy f-g St. Patrick's Day, everyone!"

Library Killing Spree Leads to Political Hot Potato

2006-02-10T12:43:00.000-06:00

After a crazed homeless man shot and killed ten librarians execution-style in the nave of Sage Memorial Library on Monday, the President of Hampson University announced this was no time to start re-evaluating the library's open-door policy. "I'm very reluctant to start mucking about with distinctions about who can and can't enter the Hampson libraries. It is very sad when librarians are killed, but I don't think it serves town-gown relations to close the door on the homeless and other local crazies," said Hampson President Rich Pritchard. "If more librarians must die in order to show how liberal Hampson is, so be it. That's the price you pay when you run an elite college in a depressed urban center. I'm not about to take on this political hot potato. As Ross Perot said, 'I wouldn't touch that tar baby with a 10-foot Pole.' Our AUL for Public Services is Polish, and pretty tall, too--but I can assure you this is too much even for her."

LP reporters asked Pritchard why Hampson bothers letting outsiders into the library given that the local skanks get such limited access to Hampson library materials anyway (they can't check out books or even enter the stacks without paying $100, for example, and most porn and gaming sites are blocked on the workstations). "Wouldn't it make more sense to really open up the place, if you truly want good relations with the townies?" asked one DIVINE of LP. The President grew terse. "I'll put it this way: Let them eat cake. Just like Joan of Arc. Yup. Let'em eat cake. Or eat shit, for all I care."

Fancy Librarian Contemplates Move to Shit School

2006-02-09T14:43:00.000-06:00

An Ivy League librarian who has too much responsibility yet no control over how anything happens at his library contemplated a move to a lesser university's library, LP reporters heard. "I've had it," said Dr. Robert S. Hotsypants, Librarian for Romance Languages and Literatures at Hampson University. "These fucking assholes--administrators. All they do is get in my way all day, day in and day out. I can't get anything I need done to happen around here. At least if I were at Eastern Bodega College or someplace as an AUL I'd have some say in things. Not here."

When asked about the perils of leaving the prestigious environment, Hotsypants replied, "Oh, I know Eastern Bodega's probably shit. Of course it is. Their students probably come to class hopped up on crystal meth half the time. And I have no doubt they couldn't write a sentence if they were held at gunpoint, which no doubt happens more regularly than any of us would like to think--the gunpoint part, not the writing the sentence part--but I digress. But seriously, what choice do I have? Either be miserable at fancy-ass, whitebread Hampson or have at least a semblance of control somewhere crappy. The only things I'll miss about this place are the passed hors d'oeuvres and the open bar at receptions. Oh, all right, you've convinced me--I'll stay. . . Say, what are those? Little mini empanadas with cilantro mayonnaise drizzled on top? How adorable! I'll have one . . . . two . . . . three. Perfect. You're a doll--Thanks so much!"

Library Becomes Haunted Mansion During Anniversary Party

2006-02-09T14:15:00.000-06:00

What began as a festive event to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the founding of the Sage Memorial Library at Hampson University turned morbid Friday night when a recently-fired Sage curator turned up dressed as Banquo's Ghost from Shakespeare's tragedy Macbeth. "Never shake thy gory locks at me!!!" shrieked University Librarian Barbara Higgintopper, when confronted by the "spectre" of Frank Pancino, the terminated employee. "It was just awful. He was the spitting image of the bloody Banquo--complete with medieval Scottish chain mail and helmet--but I still knew it was just our old Frank because he left the--you know--the 'beaver' thingy up," said Higgintopper after the party. "It was really quite a getup. And, to be honest, after the initial shock I actually thought it was kind of funny. But then, when he started to dance with some of the librarians and curators who weren't fired, I got creeped out. I felt like I was in that Haunted Mansion at Disneyworld or something. You know, when the ghosts dance with the guests?"

"I wonder how he got in. Security was told he's not allowed. I think we need to revisit our safety measures around here--again," sighed Higgintopper. The librarian was referring to the fact that Pancino had been fired amid allegations that he was single-handedly responsible for leaving the 2-million-volume Sage library prey to theft, even though some 200 other librarians, paraprofessionals, and security personnel also work in the building each day, including Higgintopper herself.

Librarians Forced to Charter Cargo Plane

2006-01-25T16:36:00.000-06:00

Librarians leaving the ALA conference in San Antonio on Monday were forced to charter a cargo plane to make their connecting flights in Houston. The conference-goers, who were scheduled to fly on Cheapo Airlines flight 666 from San Antonio to its hub, were forced to deplane in San Antonio after their flight made two attempts to get off the ground without success.

Cheapo Airlines representative U. R. Screwed attributed the problem not to the age and quality of his company's air fleet, as one disgruntled customer claimed, but rather to the size and collective weight of the librarians, which apparently exceeded the limit for the aircraft. "This has never happened before," Screwed maintained. "Cheapo is a young airline and San Antonio is the only ALA city it serves. This is the first time we have served this type of clientele, and there was no way we could have anticipated this problem." He pointed out to the displaced librarians, who were clamoring for Cheapo to get them to Houston on time or pay for an alternative flight home, that they should have read the fine print of their tickets' terms and conditions of purchase more closely before they attempted to cram their ample forms into seats meant to hold people half their size. "Our lard-ass escape clause states that no obese person is entitled to compensation if the passengers and their luggage exceed the plane's weight limit." Running his eyes up and down each of the passengers, he continued, "This clause releases us from any responsibility to provide these people with alternative transportation."

The librarians, sizing up their options and recognizing that they would get no immediate satisfaction out of Cheapo, used their well-honed information seeking skills to book space in a cargo plane due to leave San Antonio 40 minutes later. All of the librarians still had some chance of making their connecting flights in Houston. An LP reporter on hand when the plane landed in the hub city asked one of the librarians if his flight on the cargo plane had been reasonably comfortable. "We had to pack ourselves into storage containers and the plane was really no better than a cattle car with wings," he commented, "but it was no worse than that horrid Cheapo flight. Did you know that the flight attendants served no snacks or beverages while the pilots tried -- twice -- to get the plane off the ground?" The librarian was disappointed that he would have to catch a connecting Cheapo flight to get home, surprisingly more out of pique about the snacks and beverages than the lard-ass clause. "There's no denying we're a portly lot," he said. He was not worried that he would encounter a problem with the clause a second time since the occupants of flight 666 would be spread out among flights going to all parts of the country.

Late Tuesday evening, an independent investigative panel cleared Cheapo of any wrongdoing, showing that not only were all librarians on the flight obese, but also that none of their luggage was overweight. The lard-ass clause is becoming a standard in the terms and conditions of purchase for airline tickets, much like the inclement weather clause. "You can't blame us because you're stingy and fat," Cheapo executive Archibald Skinflint said gleefully. "I recommend you come back and take advantage of our low, low prices after you've tried TrimSpa [a product of Cheapo's parent company, Rip-off]. It worked for that cow Anna Nicole Smith."

Male Librarians get Stylists

2006-01-25T16:26:00.000-06:00

Investigative reporters have recently uncovered an alarming trend in academic libraries - male librarians making appointments to see stylists, rather than waiting at the barber shop for a haircut like other men. It is presumed, but not proven, that the overwhelming female majority in libraries leads the few male librarians present to gradually adopt traditionally female behavior patterns as their own.

Confronted about his preference for a stylist at an upscale salon, a librarian (who begged to remain anonymous, even offering a coupon for a free mani/pedi as a bribe) was by turns defensive, "I'm new in town; my wife set up the appointment. I didn't realize that Salon de Mère de Terre wasn't a barber shop. Once I got there, it would have been rude to just leave," and defiant, "And so what if I went back? Ashleigha gave me a fantastic cut, and her scalp massage is to die for. It's not unreasonable for me to want a little quiet moment for myself once every couple of weeks - usually I'm just give, give, give. For once, it's just about me. Plus it's not like there's not other men there - why, even the owner, Mr. Frankie, is a man!"

It remains to be seen whether the stylist trend will lead to other traditionally female behavior patterns.

Car Rental Agent Appalled to Discover "Doctor" is Only Librarian

2006-01-25T08:07:00.000-06:00

A local Enterprise Rent-a-Car agent was appalled today to learn that the "Doctor" who had been renting from his franchise for years was in fact a mere librarian. "I couldn't believe my ears," said Lee Boyd [not his real name], the rental agent who outed the librarian. "I mean, this guy comes swaggering in here at least twice a month with his Platinum AmEx that says Dr. Robert S. Hotsypants on it. I knew he worked for the university, so I didn't think he was a real doctor--I'm not an idiot, you know--but I just assumed he was in Development or something," Boyd added. "So finally my curiosity gets the best of me and I just come out and ask him. Big mistake. He says, 'No, I'm a librarian.' I must have made him feel bad because I got that look on my face I get when my wife farts in bed. But I was just stunned."

Asked to elaborate on the trauma, Boyd continued. "I mean, what must have gone wrong in this guy's life that he'd be reduced to using a doctorate to be a faggotty-ass librarian? I know life is hard--'course I do. I went to college for four years and here I am tearing rental agreements out of a dot-matrix printer all day. But a librarian? With a PhD? Oh, man." Here Boyd just shook his head.

Hotsypants was not amused. "He went to college? Could've fooled me, straight boy dumbass. Why don't you move your lips when you talk, you goddamn stuffed shirt? Oh, I guess that would be too faggotty-ass-librarian-like. Sack o' shit. And lose the wife-beater: I can see it beneath your cheap polyester shirt and clip-on tie. How low class. Got any lunch plans? Here's a tip: Why don't you check out the Taco Bell they just opened inside that Target off Exit 9?"

Librarian Admits Having Nothing to Do

2006-01-24T14:01:00.000-06:00

Bringing further embarrassment to the library at Prestigious University, sources there revealed to Pariah reporters that Jane Howell, the recently-hired Electronic Images and Textual Objects Metadata Initiative Librarian at Prestigious, actually has nothing to do. Fellow employees grew suspicious after catching Ms. Howell in her office trying to flip sharpened pencils into the ceiling tiles in her office, as well as pushing a book truck through remote areas of the stacks for hours on end singing "Workin' in a Coalmine." Noted one librarian: "With over 600 employees, I've long suspected that there have to be people here doing nothing productive, otherwise we'd have a much better library."

Ms. Howell arrived at Prestigious with impressive credentials: an MLS in addition to her PhD in Armenian literature, significant archival experience, and a host of successful grant applications. All for naught, evidently, as she offered in her own defense, stating that she had "repeatedly asked [her] boss [AUL for Services Ima Yuzelissack] for a position description and to work with me on establishing goals, but after those conversations, where she babbled on for hours while making no sense whatsoever, I felt dazed and confused and still lacked anything to do." When contacted by LP reporters for comments, Ms. Yuzelissack offered a rambling description of the EITOMIL, using vague phrases such as "environmental scanning using state-of-the-art libqual assessment standards as modified by the PDCB of ARLSO," "proactively anticipating faculty needs for library-wide metadata schemata and flavors," and "empowering librarians to rethink their place in the information galaxy," while offering no substantive direction for Ms. Howell's position. She then began reciting Ranganathan's laws backward while hopping on one foot, a refreshingly clear and concise departure from her previous statements.

Ms. Howell said she had applied to Prestigious assuming that she'd be making a wise career move; now, she notes, she's just hoping that the regimen of therapy and psychoactive medications can restore her utterly shattered ambition. "The place looks so inviting," she added wistfully, "you only realize it's sucking your soul dry when it's too late."

AUL for Collections Busted for Butt Hickies

2006-01-22T15:21:00.000-06:00

The AUL for Collections at a prestigious university library was busted for butt hickies when his wife discovered he couldn't sit down following a recent American Library Association conference. The woman, who was picking her husband up from the airport, arrived just in time to see air marshals escorting him to an interrogation room in the baggage claim area. An undercover LP reporter overheard them telling the woman that her husband was in serious trouble because he had to be forcibly strapped into his seat upon takeoff and landing, blubbering that his ass felt like someone had taken a meat tenderizer to it. According to the AUL, so many overeducated librarians from underfunded state schools were desperate to catch his...er...eye that they literally had been sucking his ass for three days nonstop. "It happens so often at these conferences that I don't even notice the little brown nosers anymore," he explained. "I didn't realize that it had gotten out of hand until it was too late."

[In a follow-up interview from his hospital bed, the AUL shared his strategy for ridding himself of the unwanted attentions of highly qualified, intelligent, and experienced academic librarians attempting to network with their betters. "Just sprinkle a little salt on their mouths, and they'll drop away pretty quickly like the little leeches they are," he guffawed. This information, he felt, would be useful to library administrators or anyone in a position to be helpful to a junior colleague. -- Ed.]

It's Official: Curators Deemed Better than Librarians

2006-01-19T09:43:00.000-06:00

The Director of a prestigious East Coast university rare book library officially proclaimed today that curators are better than librarians. "They're just better," said Francis Buttwiler, John Jacob Astor Professor of Anthropology and Director of the Carmel Rare Book and Manuscript Library at Hampson University. "They're bigger, smarter, faster, and they have many more advanced degrees. In fact, I'd even go so far as to say they're almost as good as tenure-track faculty. Okay, that might be a bit of a stretch. Not quite--but close."

The announcement put an end to decades of speculation concerning who really should be seen as librarianship's Alpha dogs. "It was almost like when the white smoke issued from the Vatican last year. I guess I'll just have to accept Buttwiler's word as Gospel," said Tom Bittermuch, a Hampson University librarian who holds six subject master's degrees, an MLS, and a PhD. "I thought the reality that I and so many other librarians actually have more degrees, have published more than any curator I know of, and come from a college teaching background just like the best of them--all this would mean that some of us librarians are at least the equals of curators. Guess I stand corrected. After all, Buttwiler's a senior faculty member. He can't be wrong."

Asked how he would answer Bittermuch's remarks, Buttwiler replied, "You know, I can see why he'd think that way. And I'd almost have to agree with him. But the main thing is that librarians all sully themselves with that darn MLS--some of them even after getting the vaunted PhD. It's like they're walking around in dirty diapers their whole lives. That and the fact that they serve on public service desks telling folks where the bathroom is and stuff. If it weren't for these two deal breakers, they could be curators, too. Oh well. I'm just glad Bittermuch has finally seen the light."

Librarian's Firing Offers Conclusive Proof That Shit Rolls Downhill

2006-01-18T20:32:00.000-06:00

Barbara Hoskins, the curator of the Celtic Manuscript collection at Prestigious University was fired recently for allegedly permitting an unscrupulous dealer to steal items from the collection. The dealer, G. Richard Fortune, is accused of stealing not only the Celtic papers, but a large number of far more valuable manuscripts from Prestigious's Rare Manuscripts and Books Library, as well as items from other manuscript collections. While Hoskins was fired, no action will be taken against staff from the RMBL.

In her defense, Hoskins noted through her lawyer that while RMBL has a full-time security staff, video cameras, a monitored reading room, and numerous staff omnipresent in all areas of the library, she managed the massive Celtic collection with an untrained and poorly-paid assistant in a facility lacking any real security. Cornered by the press on the way to meet with her lawyer to discuss possible legal action against Prestigious, she quipped "well, since RMBL sits on its own endowment and has a blowhard faculty member as its head, I suppose I make an attractive scapegoat." A spokesperson for the Prestigious University Library had no clue, er, no comment.

Head Librarian Gets Head Stuck Up Ass

2006-01-17T16:22:00.000-06:00

A Head Librarian at a local university got her head stuck up her ass yesterday, LP reporters heard. "She didn't just stick it up there in the morning and then pull it out at 5 like she usually does," a paraprofessional in her office reported, "No way. This time it got stuck. Bad."

Police and firefighters arrived on the scene within minutes of receiving a panicked 911 call around 5:15pm from the paraprofessional. Unfortunately, they were not able to remove the head from the ass on site and the librarian--who, on top of being awkwardly contorted at the time, is also a self-described "woman of size"--had to be placed in a wheelbarrow for carting to the hospital. Asked for comment at the scene, the librarian replied with what (muffled) sounded like, "Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmmmmmmmmmm!!!!" After her head was released, those nearby realized she must actually have been screaming, "Get me outta heeeeeeeeeeeeeeere!!"

In a calmer moment back at the library this morning, before "re-inserting herself," the Head Librarian grew pensive, "My mother used to warn me that if I put my head up my ass for too long it would stay that way. I never believed her--you know how kids are--but I guess she was right. I wonder if . . . maybe I should start listening to my staff and making some better decisions around this place."

Dress Code Unleashes Panic

2006-01-12T22:51:00.000-06:00

A strict dress code recently unveiled by the newly-hired dean of libraries at Urban University has the librarians in a tizzy. The dean, who last year left her post in a city of infinitely greater sartorial acumen, noted that when you "dress like a housewife, you'll be treated like one" and that the new policy is designed to enhance the image of the library. Among other items, the dress code prohibits the following attire:

muumuus
baggy sweater/legging combos
all sweatshirts, particularly those with teddy bears or bunnies
glasses manufactured before 1997
penny loafers
sandals with socks, and white socks with anything
bermuda shorts
berets

Noting the new dean's Taryn Rose-shod feet, tailored silk suit, and tasteful librarian bling bling, many librarians despaired over being able to keep up. Said one: "I don't see why I should have to look nice on the job ... I mean, come on, students and faculty judge me on my subject knowledge and ability to help them, right?" Others complained that the dress code appeared to have an undercurrent of hostility toward extremely large librarians, leading one librarian to lament that she "can only fit [her] ample womanhood into a muumuu, and they really do wonders for [her] figure." Yet another librarian was seen crying on his faithful penny loafers, leaving his colleagues wondering what he would wear now, given that they had never seen other shoes on his feet. Staff now plan to organize and file a legal challenge to the new code, under the name of FRUMP--For the Right to Undermine My Profession.

Librarian networks; other staff relieved

2006-01-12T15:19:00.000-06:00

Special Assistant Librarian for Associated Activities Larry Longwind announced at a library staff meeting last week that he would be away from the library for the next three months on an associated activities networking tour of regional libraries. "In order to stay current on the associated activities of our neighbor libraries, it's important to get out there and network, to see the activities up close, and to consider associations that could be made with our associated activities," said Longwind of his trip.

Other library staffers expressed relief mixed with confusion upon hearing about Longwind's time away. "I have no idea what he's doing, but at least he's doing it someplace else," said a subject librarian who wished to remain anonymous, "I can't tell you how much time I've lost having Larry in my office, talking about ways for me to become involved in associated activities. He's dropped by once or twice a week for the last couple months, and I still have no idea what "associated activities" are."

When pressed for specifics, Longwind explained his position as "one of association, and activities. If there's a way to be associated with activities, or active in associating, that's where I come into the picture. It's about associating activities with actions, and acting to associate associations wherever possible."

Librarian Offered Job Off the Rack

2006-01-12T09:31:00.000-06:00

A Library Human Resources representative at a prestigious east-coast university offered the top candidate for their Romance Language Bibliographer position a job straight off the rack. "I knew she deserved better--of course she did; I have eyes, you know--but we're not in the habit of negotiating. They pretty much have to take it or leave it."

When questioned about the specific terms of the job, the LHR prol replied, "Well, basically a salary of $29,000 and a bunch of vacation and sick days. That's all anybody here ever gets to start out. I don't care if Miss Fancy Pants Frenchie does have four subject master's degrees, an MLS, a PhD, and five years' professional library experience. I don't care who you are. I don't care if you're God. We are, after all, the Ivy League. Now that I think about it, she's lucky we gave her anything more than a good swift kick in the ass."

Librarian Admits to Using Food as Reward

2006-01-12T08:48:00.000-06:00

A bored librarian admitted to LP reporters today that she often uses food as a reward for slogging away at her dull job at the reference desk. "I can't take it anymore -- get me to a Twinkie, FAST!" screamed Velna H. McNab, as soon as her 4-hour stint on the desk at Tuscaloosa State Library ended this morning. "If one more person asks me where the bathroom is, or to put more paper in the printer, or whether I have a stapler, I'm going swimming in a vat of molten fudge."

When asked if she was concerned about how this reward system was affecting her girth, she waxed contrite. "I know it's wrong--I've gained 100 pounds since I started this job two years ago, but I don't know how else to handle the stress. I guess I just wish reference questions could answer themselves. Or that they could hire a chimpanzee for the basic ones and I could be on call at Baskin-Robbins--er, in the room behind the reference desk--for the rest. Oh, I don't know. . . . Say, do you happen to have a pound cake on you?"

Curatorship Offers University Incredible Savings

2006-01-11T10:43:00.000-06:00

The University of Eastern Arkansas at Butthole reposted the position of Curator of English and American Literature for the Harvey Lonesome Research Center today, at a salary some $49,999 lower than the initial posting of two months ago. A spokesperson for the Center, which has an endowment of half a billion dollars, says they decided on reflection that they need to save personnel dollars in order to keep up with their "agressive program of library acquisitions." Thus the Curator, who will be required to have a PhD in English in addition to the MLS, will command a salary of $1 per year and no benefits. "I guess you could say we're looking for a 'dollar-a-year man,' real old-school," chuckled the spokesperson.

When asked who he thought would be willing to take the position at this salary, the spokesperson replied, "Don't you worry. There are plenty of hungry adjuncts out there who would kill for this kind of a pay boost, plus a chance to do something other than fix comma splices in freshman comp papers."

Librarian, believed retired, found in office

2006-01-11T09:41:00.000-06:00

Members of the Access Services department at a local university library were shocked to find their presumed-retired department chair, Joseph N. Ert, in his office last week. "We were sure he had retired," claimed a paraprofessional formerly under the librarian's supervision, "particularly since we had a goodbye party for him about six weeks ago. I guess it's just that he doesn't have much of an effect on our day-to-day operations. You think he would have said something at the party, but, come to think of it, I'm not even positive we invited him." Ert was found when an employee, borrowing his chair, found it unusually heavy to carry, then suddenly realized that Ert was occupying it.

Investigation revealed that Ert's slow fade from relevance began with the hiring of several more assertive and knowledgeable subordinates. "We felt silly continuing to invite Joe to meetings at which he had no substantive input," claimed one of those employees, speaking under condition of anonymity, "so we just stopped doing it. We assumed he had other things to do, other places that his attention was needed. Looks like we were wrong about that."

Ert, confronted with his department's surprise, exhibited very little response. "I'm not sure why they thought that I retired, but I'm not going to get upset about it. I'm thinking of starting to look into studying why my employees thought I was gone. Once that work is complete, I can get down to the business of thinking about beginning to evaluate those factors, and then work at investigating options for starting to gradually increase the level of my involvement in department matters. Or, maybe, I'll just give it some time and see how it all settles out. I'll be in my office if anyone needs me."

Lengthy Search Ends in Mediocre Hire

2006-01-10T19:03:00.000-06:00

A library search committee concluded its lengthy deliberations last week by making a recommendation to the Head Librarian that she hire the least interesting, least qualified candidate in the pool. "We sure are thrilled to have reached a decision that everyone can agree on," said Horton Cesspoller, chair of the search committee. "Life just goes a little easier when you put the heat on nice and low, if you catch my drift." The search process, which took 11.5 months--and especially the result--proved particularly painful for those applicants who actually had something to offer. "I couldn't believe it. After all that to-ing and fro-ing, they give the job to that hambone? Why do I even bother with this ridiculous so-called profession!" lamented one of the rejected candidates, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "I'll bet that Horton Cesspoller couldn't even spell anonymity, the rube," he added.

The Head Librarian was proud that her staff was finally able to agree on something. "I'm just glad it's over, for their sake and mine. It always gets so messy when you start mucking around with candidates who are actually qualified, what with all their 'years of experience' [here she made air quotes] and fancy degrees and stuff. I have to chime in with Horton: it really is easier to go with the uncomplicated folks who are, after all, just more like the rest of us."

Librarian Wins Beauty Contest

2006-01-10T18:36:00.000-06:00

In an amazing victory today, a Missouri public librarian won a beauty contest. Mary Pirgrinder, the fatass in question, couldn't believe her ears when she heard the news. "I was so pleased." The 4H event was held at the Missouri State Fair this week outside Columbia, and Pirgrinder beat out some twenty-five pigs, thirteen goats, an armadillo, a hippopotamus, and an elephant. "It wasn't because I was any thinnner than that elephant, I can assure you," Pirgrinder giggled. "Nope, I won for being so light on my feet. It must be all the running around I do chasing those smelly homeless folks out of the restrooms!"

Asked whether she would compete again next year, Pirgrinder was hesitant. "I hear they're just about done training a wart hog to dance on a tight-rope down in St. Joe, so I think I'll quit while I'm ahead," she chuckled in what LP reporters agreed was a truly awe-inspiring show of modesty.

Library School Course Denounced as Stupid

2006-01-10T18:17:00.000-06:00

A library school student from Central Snotrag State University told Library Pariah reporters today that his course in Foundations of Librarianship was stupid. "I couldn't believe it. The instructor actually stood up in front of the class and showed us how to send an email. She even had a whole Powerpoint presentation on the process. She was just like that goofy late-night infomercial guy who tries to swindle oldsters into parting with some serious coin by promising them they can learn to use a computer. We were like, duh! I mean, this is a Master's program? What's next, learning to transfer a *%@#ing phone call?"

Unfortunately, the class sounded all too familiar to LP staff.

Librarian Fired When Exposed As Dog Owner

2006-01-10T17:31:00.000-06:00

An academic librarian was fired from his job after nearly three years of service when it came to the attention of his library director that he owned a dog. The identity of the librarian, his institution, and his dog are being withheld pending litigation.

"We never would have hired him had we known that he owned a dog, which studies have shown is a strong indicator of a well-adjusted, happy person," fumed the director. "Cat owners, on the other hand, will take crap from anyone if they will take it from a cat in their houses and are not phased by attacks without provocation." He admitted that the librarian had received the highest marks in his annual evaluations but claimed that certain violations of the code of librarianship, which strongly prefers cat ownership, were too heinous to be excused. "If it had been a pug, or even a bichon frise, I may have reconsidered. But a reliable eyewitness confirmed and will testify in court that the dog in question is a drooling, ball-obsessed animal belonging to the sporting group."

The librarian's colleagues were scandalized by an apparent ruse perpetrated by the librarian, citing that he often carried a tote bag emblazoned with two haughty-looking felines and occasionally had a sack of multi-cat formula kitty litter in his office. The librarian defended his actions explaining that he had won the tote bag in a drawing at a library conference ("hey, it was free, and I needed something to carry my gym gear in") and picked up the litter as a favor for an elderly neighbor.

A former close colleague felt the firing was entirely justified, saying that no self-respecting academic librarian would associate himself with an animal as loyal and friendly as a dog. "I'm sorry," she sniffed, pulling down her sleeve to hide the scratch marks on her arm, "but he just doesn't fit in."

Public Patron Solves Library's Budget Woes

2006-01-10T15:17:00.000-06:00

John Q. Scrooge, a public patron at Big State University Library, solved its budget problems in a complaint-induced ephiphany. "I was at the Reference Desk for the umpteenth time on Saturday berating the librarian on duty about the inadequate resources and services available to a Big State taxpayer, when it dawned on me," Scrooge squeaked, "reinstate indentured servitude!"

His suggestion that plenty of poor people would be ecstatic to sit around on their fat asses in an academic library being as unhelpful as possible in exchange for room and board sounded like a sweet deal to Imogen Slacker, the librarian on duty when the idea came to Scrooge. "Hell, I don't make enough to buy food and pay rent in Upscale College Town anyway, so indentured servitude could only be an improvement," enthused Slacker.

Scrooge was quick to point out, however, that Slacker should not assume an advantage under the new system just because she holds an MLS. "Anyone can sit at a library service desk and say no to those who are forced pay for their keep," Scrooge threw over his shoulder before hopping into his Cadillac Escalade and taking off to a libertarian rally.

Librarian runs rough-shod over colleagues

2006-01-10T14:25:00.000-06:00

A long-time member of the library faculty at a large state university finds the best way to get things done to her liking is to simply bully her colleagues into submission. "I find it's really quite efficient," said the language arts librarian, in a voice slightly louder and more strident than was warranted, "especially since most of my co-workers are rather passive. Most of them would actually subject themselves to processes and procedures that waste months and years of their time, rather than raise a simple point of disagreement in a meeting."

Citing the enactment of a detailed library-wide policy on use of parlimentary procedures in meetings as a recent success, the librarian pointed to several factors weighing in her favor. "I'm louder, I'm bigger, and I simply refuse to stop talking. Nine times out of ten, that's enough. For those times that I need something more, I simply begin saying the person's name, repeatedly, in a slightly accusing tone. I've never met a librarian who will stand up to that."

Looking to the future, the librarian hopes to ease into early retirement and pursue her lifelong dream of opening a china shop.

Freshman Laughs at "Library School"

2006-01-10T14:04:00.000-06:00

A freshman work-study student laughed today when a librarian told him that not everyone who works in a library is actually a librarian and that to become a certified librarian you have to attend library school. "What's that? You mean, like Burger U? Too funny," the student chortled.

The librarian, though disappointed, was not surprised. "We really are the Rodney Dangerfield of professionals. But I guess I'm used to it. You get pretty thick-skinned working around so many cynical people--students and faculty, I mean."

Existence of Dumb Questions Confirmed

2006-01-10T13:36:00.000-06:00

Contrary to popular belief, recent research by the Association of American Libraries confirmed that there are indeed dumb questions. Several samples cited in the extensive article published in the journal Science of Libraries include:

Is it bad for books to be left in the rain?
Do librarians have college degrees?
I've been seraching for the book Sunset in St. Tropay by Daniel Steele in your %#$%#ing useles catlagog all day and can't find it. Why dont you have my fayvoright writor's best book? Steele rocks! [quoted from an email message]

Additionally, various iterations of the question "why doesn't the library have a copy of my seminal work on [insert faculty member's research hobby horse] in the collection" were deemed collectively beneath contempt by the researchers. Asked in an interview whether anyone can fall victim to asking a dumb question, the principal researcher replied "no, our research shows that they're pretty much limited to stupid and/or arrogant people."

[editor's note: We would like to warn readers of Library Pariah that we will laugh at your dumb questions. Heartily.]

"Library" Most Likely to Halt Conversation

2006-01-09T22:15:00.000-06:00

Carefully-controlled double-blind experiments conducted at a host of large research universites across the nation have revealed that in academic social settings, no answer to the question "so what department are you in" is more likely to halt conversation than "the library." When asked by researchers why this was the case, most respondents admitted that they considered the library to be an extension of the campus athletic facilities, and not really a department. As one participant quipped "well, it's not like they're doing any intellectually demanding work over there."

"Library" scored an amazing 98 on the conversation-halting index, meaning that 98% of the monitored conversations ceased when the word was dropped, with all participants save the librarian rapidly wandering off, feigning sudden illness, or looking over the librarian's shoulder for someone (anyone!) more interesting to chat with. Other top scorers on the index:

Gay and Lesbian Studies 86%
Family Studies 84%
Women's or Gender Studies 80%
English 76% (although most respondents admitted they had no clue what English professors actually do, but they chatted on to avoid looking ignorant in front of the tweed crowd)
Bovine Pathology 64%

Associate University Librarian Skeptical That Books Don't Put Themselves on the Shelf

2006-01-09T17:23:00.000-06:00

A stout AUL opined that she was sure the books in her library found their own way to the shelf. "Surely it's not the work of anyone in my library. Those good-for-nothings wouldn't know how to wrap a birthday present, let alone catalog a book or put it in a decent binding with a bar code or whatever, to say nothing of figuring out what order they go in on the shelf. Nosirree, it's either the books themselves or gremlins at work. I'm convinced. "

When confronted with the fact that scads of workers all over the library do nothing but order and prepare books for readers all day, the AUL balked. "I'll believe it when I see it, Mister."

Local Believes Librarians Are Housewives

2006-01-09T17:17:00.000-06:00

A faithful public library patron admitted this morning that he always thought librarians were housewives. "I mean, my sister-in-law's aunt was a librarian for over forty years, and I'm pretty sure she didn't finish eighth grade. If she did she sure didn't act like it."

When disabused of the notion--the average librarian, public, academic, or special, has at least one Master's degree (albeit in library science)--the patron expressed astonishment. "No shit! Well, you sure had me fooled. But, why do you need one of them Master degrees to stick a book on a shelf or help clean up a kid who's made in his pants?"

Faculty Member Treats Librarian Like Personal Slave

2006-01-09T17:07:00.000-06:00

A faculty member at a prestigious east-coast university research library asked "his" librarian-- by which he meant the librarian liaison to an academic department of which he is a member--today to shovel the walkway to his condo. "I mean, he's here to serve me, right?" the faculty member reasoned. "It's not like he had anything better to do, for Chrissakes. What, put a book on the shelf? Or stamp one out for some peevish undergrad? That can wait. I almost slipped and fell on my ass when I was coming in to finish my syllabus this morning. Now that's important."

Asked how he felt about being expected to perform this duty, the librarian answered cheerfully, "It's all part of working for the Ivy League. But," he paused, turning introspective, "I guess I have to say that sometimes I feel like this place is one big elementary-school kid's birthday party to which I am not invited."

Ivy League Graduate Never Set Foot in 15-Million-Volume Library

2006-01-09T16:01:00.000-06:00

Missoula, Montana-- A recent graduate of Harvard University, Lance Buttplug, admitted that he never used a single one of Harvard's 92 libraries during four years of undergraduate work there. Now safely back in Montana, where there is no looming threat of such weighty tomes exposing his ignorance, Buttplug felt free to confess his disdain for the printed word. "I went to Harvard to get a good job. And I found one, working for Alcon Steel out here in Missoula. I get to wear a hardhat and feel real butch about it. The only thing I have to read now, thank God, is the occasional blueprint. Life's pretty good when you aren't being made to feel stupid by a bunch of books over in some library or whatever."

When asked how he managed to graduate from what some say is the world's greatest university without ever reading a library book, Buttplug replied, "All we ever had to read were coursepacks or the occasional book a faculty member wrote that they made us buy for, like, $200 at the campus bookstore. And usually you could just nod a lot when other kids made a point in class that sounded intelligent. As far as papers go, I bought most of mine. If there's one thing we Harvard guys have it's money, and I saw no point in skrimping when it came to getting A's."