Room Service Virgins Whore It up at Maiden Library Conference

In a tony ceremony at the closing session of the Library Association of America’s (LANA) annual conference in Washington, D.C., incoming LANA president Eugenia Baker announced the recipient of the “Roomy” award, given annually to the most indulgent foray into the world of hotel in-room dining by a first-time conference-goer. “We must have stared at the room service button for five minutes before mustering up the courage to pick up the phone and press it that first time,” noted this year’s joint winners, Philip and Natasha Roxoff, at their acceptance speech. During the conference the twenty-something newlywed tandem from Laffingstock University in downstate Oregon together skipped scheduled poster sessions, scoffed at vendor demos, blew off committee meetings, and flaked on social events as they truly consummated their nuptials at the Pantheon Hotel in a gastronomic orgy worthy of Penthouse Forum.

Hotel dining staff recalled how a relatively modest first order quickly escalated into bold demands for more elaborate fare and princely personal service. “Sure, almost a third of my crew was occupied with the Roxoffs during their stay, but how could I begrudge them the huge tips they were getting to feed the couple by hand when they’ve got their own mouths to feed at home?” asked in-room dining services manager and kick-back beneficiary Brett Drupe. This accommodating tack was in marked contrast to the Roxoffs’ hotel neighbors, however, who complained of guttural noises emanating from the adjacent room caused by alternating bouts of hyperphagia and acta Veneris, as well as the “parking lot for unretrieved room service tables” their hallway came to resemble.

Asked how the couple eschewed the stale routine that too easily sets in following such a torrid initiation into excess, the two explained, “We soon developed a ritual of one person making the call while the other showered and vice-versa, then sinking into our spongy king size bed draped in complimentary terry towel bathrobes and trying to guess what the other had ordered as we smelled the arriving food outside the door.”

“The Roxoffs’ escapade has been the most compelling in the nine years I’ve served as a Roomy judge,” recounted Demetrius Schitzengiggles. “In this recently married couple you had the apple of temptation cause the spark of food to ignite the tinder of sexual desire in an explosive display of orectic liberation.” Mixed metaphors aside, Roomy judges unanimously awarded the golden dome-lidded trophy to the Beaver State duo, whose whopping room service tab was reportedly paid by the Alliance for Room Service Excellence in exchange for select promotional appearances following the conference.