University Appeases the Hell out of Donor

As part of a deal to name the library at Bayside University and secure a substantial endowment that will offset recent budget cuts, president Caroline Ellings has agreed to install a massive Chutes and Ladders-style slide extending from the roof of the building to the campus quad five stories below, according to a recent campus press release. “The donor is a distant heir to the Bradley side of the famous Milton Bradley gaming empire, so we thought this would be a fitting, albeit unconventional acknowledgement of her generosity,” Ellings told LP.

The agreement came following nearly two years of patient negotiations and a series of offers and counter-offers that had both sides worn out talking about dollars and “donor appreciation,” though Ellings wouldn’t disclose the amount of the monetary gift to the university. In the end, the slide proved more feasible and functional than a Barrel of Monkeys, Battleship, Twister, or even Candyland motif, all of which were proposed by the campus development office. “The slide effectively doubles as a means of emergency exit for the administrative services office on the fifth floor,” noted library director Chris Gee. “If we’re going to have to flee a burning building, we might as well enjoy the ride, don’t you think?”

The soon-to-be Nixon Library is the third naming opportunity Ellings has clinched in her four-year tenure at Bayside and represents a major step towards the university’s $250 million fundraising campaign. To the surprise of many, students and faculty have expressed united opposition to this type of donor recognition, the former upon learning that the slide will not be publicly accessible and the latter seeing it as a symbol of egg-sucking in the university’s mercenary attempt to secure funding from extramural sources. “I’m surprised we didn’t end up courting Six Flags and offering to slap a Ferris wheel down in the quad,” observed biology professor Cameron Carmichael wryly.

Despite the news, however, veteran librarians aren’t ready to retire the tip jar at the reference desk just yet. “As amazing at this sounds to an outsider, there’s no guarantee that any of that endowment money will ever find its way to the library,” cautioned education librarian Julie Millard. “Even when endowments are designated for specific purposes, administrators usually find a way to cut the strings and use the money as they please.” With Ellings firmly in control of the endowment proceeds, few of Millard’s colleagues are expecting more than a trickle of funding for the library.