Classroom Cleavage Hospitalizes Instruction Librarian

Amid the sweltering heat pervading the first day of fall semester at Rainwater University, new instruction librarian Billy Bacon was stricken with ganglionic failure and rushed to a local hospital, according to a university spokesperson. “That first day of instruction was particularly humid,” Bacon noted from his hospital bed. “I was just hoping my classroom wouldn’t be ice cold from the air conditioning because sometimes drastic temperature changes can affect my equilibrium.” Upon entering his classroom Bacon immediately felt the perspiration on his body go cold but proceeded to unpack his briefcase to retrieve his notes before turning to face the class. As he laid eyes on his students for the first time, however, the frigid classroom was the only thing that kept the thirty-one year old librarian from spontaneously combusting, as Bacon was blinded by a sea of taut, tanned undergraduate bodies amply exposed to view. “Those co-eds who weren’t blazing their high beams beneath low-cut, quasi bikini tops were flaunting their bare thighs in short denim cutoffs and ultra mini skirts,” Bacon recalled. In the face of this flesh pageant, Bacon’s eyes widened, his stomach began to tingle, and his breathing shortened before a cerebral occlusion caused him to pass out and bang his head sharply on the eraser holder at the base of the classroom whiteboard. “Like, with all the talent in our class, I probably would’ve bailed up there too,” noted freshman Deke Sainsbury following the incident.

During his recovery, Bacon’s initial feelings of heartfelt appreciation for his colleagues’ concern quickly turned to anger and contempt. The pack of racy get-well cards and breast-shaped balloons delivered to the hospital over the next two days not only confirmed in his mind that he had been the victim of a hostile work environment, but that his co-workers were mocking his misfortune with thoroughly unprofessional behavior. “No college instructor—any instructor, for that matter—should have to be subjected to sexual harassment in the classroom perpetrated by licentiously attired undergraduate females,” insisted Wayne Gaudy, co-partner of Gaudy and Garish, LLP, smoking a Louisville Slugger-sized cigar in the canyon between his gapped front teeth. “The litigation we’ve initiated on Mr. Bacon’s behalf has, quite frankly, been a long time in coming for classroom instructors around the country ranging from middle schools to universities and will set a bold precedent for appropriate attire in their workplace.” Legal scholars are of two minds on the pending lawsuit, but wholeheartedly agree that the rift already emerging on university campuses over the issue will only grow wider whatever its outcome.