Librarians Get Research Credit for Filling Staplers

Tenure-track librarians at Third Tier State University were gratified when library administration supported their bid to count various activities as research that were previously unrecognized as such. Newly installed Library Dean Ashleigh Softie explained that any activity undertaken by a librarian that fosters research should count as research for tenure purposes, including filling staplers, unjamming printers, and sanitizing computer keyboards in public areas. "All of these activities promote patron research and offer rich opportunities for librarians to embark on research of their own," Softie told LP. "One of our librarians, for instance, has published a series of groundbreaking articles in top-ranked library journals assessing patron reaction to manual versus electric staplers. Thus the act of filling staplers is intimately connected to his research and should be acknowledged as such."

Under the leadership of longtime Dean Doris Snubber, Third Tier was widely regarded to have the most rigorous tenure standards for librarians at institutions belonging to the elite Association for Self-Important Libraries. During her thirty-five year tenure, Snubber defended Third Tier's stringent policies by pointing out that they forced "uppity teaching faculty" to recognize librarians' research contributions were equal to their own. "Why anyone with half a brain would think that a scientific paper linking a chemical commonly found in household cleaners to colon cancer contributes more to the scholarly record than a survey of five library patrons about their satisfaction level with the food selection in the library coffee shop is beyond me," she told LP in a past interview. When appraised of the new rules, however, even Snubber saw the handwriting on the wall: "The respect and status that Third Tier State Library has cultivated in the wider academic community is going to hell in a handbasket."