Presentation Imperils Library Staff

Special Assistant Librarian for Associated Activities Larry Longwind was back in the news yesterday as a staff meeting turned dangerous. As the result of a clerical error, Longwind was allotted a full fifteen minutes on the agenda to discuss current projects related, primarily, to increasing his overseas travel opportunities. At seven minutes in, Longwind's droning voice induced narcoleptic fits in multiple staffers. Just past the twelve minute mark, Longwind appeared to solicit commentary from Hortense Babbler, saying that she could "take up the entire agenda to talk about dirt varieties in formerly communist countries". Since Babbler is second only to Longwind himself in her ability to "tell a tale", this gesture incited near panic in those who remained conscious. Luckily, Babbler's comments were put off to a later meeting as Longwind failed to actually yield the floor to her, much to the relief of a circulation staffer with real work to do who had begun to gnaw her way through the meeting room door. "I felt like a rat in a trap," she commented, "desperate, smelly, and riddled with vermin. Larry has a way of doing that to you."

As the fifteen minute allotment passed with nary a vocal inflection or salient point to be found, several librarians began striking themselves about the head with notepads, scratching at their wrists with office keys, and poking at their eyes with sharpened #2 pencils. Fortunately, Longwind wrapped up his program before serious self-mutilation could occur. After the meeting, CAT scans were ordered for all in attendance, to make certain permanent brain damage had not been done. In an attempt to avoid similar danger in the future, the large meeting room is being fitted with multiple emergency buttons to simultaneously summon rescue personnel, set off the sprinkler system, and deliver a brief "knock-out" bolt of electricity to the presentation mouse.