Librarian Admits Having Nothing to Do

Bringing further embarrassment to the library at Prestigious University, sources there revealed to Pariah reporters that Jane Howell, the recently-hired Electronic Images and Textual Objects Metadata Initiative Librarian at Prestigious, actually has nothing to do. Fellow employees grew suspicious after catching Ms. Howell in her office trying to flip sharpened pencils into the ceiling tiles in her office, as well as pushing a book truck through remote areas of the stacks for hours on end singing "Workin' in a Coalmine." Noted one librarian: "With over 600 employees, I've long suspected that there have to be people here doing nothing productive, otherwise we'd have a much better library."

Ms. Howell arrived at Prestigious with impressive credentials: an MLS in addition to her PhD in Armenian literature, significant archival experience, and a host of successful grant applications. All for naught, evidently, as she offered in her own defense, stating that she had "repeatedly asked [her] boss [AUL for Services Ima Yuzelissack] for a position description and to work with me on establishing goals, but after those conversations, where she babbled on for hours while making no sense whatsoever, I felt dazed and confused and still lacked anything to do." When contacted by LP reporters for comments, Ms. Yuzelissack offered a rambling description of the EITOMIL, using vague phrases such as "environmental scanning using state-of-the-art libqual assessment standards as modified by the PDCB of ARLSO," "proactively anticipating faculty needs for library-wide metadata schemata and flavors," and "empowering librarians to rethink their place in the information galaxy," while offering no substantive direction for Ms. Howell's position. She then began reciting Ranganathan's laws backward while hopping on one foot, a refreshingly clear and concise departure from her previous statements.

Ms. Howell said she had applied to Prestigious assuming that she'd be making a wise career move; now, she notes, she's just hoping that the regimen of therapy and psychoactive medications can restore her utterly shattered ambition. "The place looks so inviting," she added wistfully, "you only realize it's sucking your soul dry when it's too late."